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Squid #328
(published May 3, 2007)
Ask the Giant Squid: The Information
Who is Poor Mojo's Giant Squid?
Dear Giant Squid:

I need information on u. So tell me some information.


And so I shall, the information tell you.

The Information.

I am imperious and lonely, though I am surrounded by many employees, attendants and assorted hangers on.

My color, form and texture are mutable, but often red-hued and smooth to the touch. Nonetheless, I am never mustachioed. Never. I smell faintly of blueberries and lilac when at peace, and of copper, oil and musk when angered.

I had, for a time, a great and terrible grip upon that southern city of the Cin-cin-atti, and I was much amused by the flight of her terrible flocks of starlings. But, after a time, the mountainside dwellers of The Kentucky did stare upon me too much with their deviléd eyes and I did take it upon myself to prepare to leave.

I have ten tentacles. They have been named.

I once lived in a village made of immobile homes. I had friends there, and I found love.

I have traveled to many and various states in this Great Union, and for a time, perhaps in a dream, perhaps in a nightmare, I did rule over these many and varied states including the Hampshire Neo, the Virginia West, the Dakota East, the Oregono and the Oregano, the Nevadanium, and Beliz.

I wrestled the great, spidery pagan man-god Avram Lincoln and won.

I have made the acquaintance and on many occasions secured the services of your noble bard, the Doktor Shakespeare — not to be confused with the Bard himself, Lt. Col. William Shakespeare — and one day in the future shall I tell of the many mysterious adventures he did set upon, and subsequently relayed to me. I do not know if he has been lost to us from el Hurricaño Katrino, but I suspect he has many avenues of escape and has faired reasonably well. He has family in Toledo, I have been made to understand.

I did once love the great Francois Mitterand.

And I have on many occasions fought the Nazi Zombies, and shall do so again, I am quite certain. If there is but one certainty anywhere in this wobbly, blue-gree orb, it is that the Nazi zombies shall always be back. Always.

I have played the Dungeons and the Dragons.

I feel great sorrow and joy for the monkeys trapped on the Monkey Island of the Detroit Zoological Garden. I wish them luck and succor in all their endeavors.

I have fought Sang for my place back here amongst my many trifling experimentos.

I have done, and shall do, many a great thing.

And I Remain Yours,
The Giant Squid

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see other pieces by this author | Who is Poor Mojo's Giant Squid? Read his blog posts and enjoy his anthem (and the post-ironic mid-1990s Japanese cover of same)

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