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The Giant Squid
of Detroit, Michigan

Learn About the Giant Squid by Reading these Most Frequently Asked of Questions!

  • FAQ 1
    • arms and tentacles
    • locomotion and color
    • number of beached squid?
  • FAQ 2
    • are you real?
    • habitat
    • preditor or prey?
  • FAQ 3
    • enemies
    • sexual anatomy and reproduction
    • marital status
  • FAQ 4
    • eating and sperm whales
    • marine biome?
    • length
    • age
  • FAQ 5
    • the As I need
    • getting laid
    • meaning of life
    • nice guys finish last
    • why am I stuped
    • why do I work?
    • why? why me?
    • oh, it's all shit
  • FAQ 6
    • physiognomy
      • size
      • longevity
      • generally anatomy
      • color
    • habits and haunts: lifestyle
      • habitat
      • enemies and defenses
    • information general
    • the interlocutor's mortality

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Printed by Poor Mojo's Almanac(k), a publisher of merit.
Ann Arbor, Michigan
A.D. 2,000

Hartman Bros. Whaling, circa 1790, under contract to capture the Giant Squid.
Not humanity's first encounter with the monstrous intellect of Architeuthis Dux,
and certainly not the last.


The Giant Squid Speaks

 "I, my Semitic friend, am a GIANT SQUID. Archteuthis archteuthis. The terrible kraken of the deep. And my axons are as thick around as the tip of one of my tentacles, or as thick perhaps as your much-vaunted opposable thumb. You think your thoughts in a feeble way, like unto an electric fog, and consciousness to you is the most ephemeral of smudges... a smear of color and smell and sexual longing barely fit for poetry. You cannot comprehend the sensation of feeling light as it passes through your skin, terrible and burning. Each point of my skin, alive with thought and color and crushing, searching power... I am a multi-billion, effervescent super-colony of truth. Fiber optic cables snake through my ebon pool, and they spiral out into a calyx of wires, long strings of copper and gold, and there are thousands of glass vials driven through my cephalitic sack and through these glass-sutured wounds drive deep the million wires and the water, briny and icy, glitters with phosphorescing dream-scapes as they pulse along the wires from my mind to routers, to lasers, through fiber into a dense, space-age rack of micro-processors that fills four floors."

  --The Giant Squid on the Nature of his Captivity (from Giant Squid #9)

"Fritz and his team of fresh water buccaneers were scouring the lake basin for centuries-old pirate booty. They were examining a particularly old ironclad that had been my home for a some time-- I confess that I had grown quite attached to it, the rusted iron looked so much like the coral shell where I had lurked as an adolescent squidling, a mere 50 feet in length, and with hardly the girth necessary to rend an oil rig-- when I made my presence known to them. I caught Fritz in my hunting tentacle and drew him towards my beak, so that we might speak of many matters important and necessary. To my surprise, Fritz plunged his hand into a sack that was tied about his waist and drew forth a clear and clever contract-- a contract in which the party of the first part was one "Fritz Garner Swanson," and the party of the second party was none other than myself."

   --Giant Squid on becoming an advice columnist. (From Giant Squid #5)


"Curse their fatty, warm-blooded bodies. Curse their crushing, scooping jaws. And curse their bellies, bellies plump with my brethren's tender head-sacks. Your submariners learned from the filth how to communicate using ultra-low frequencies. This, to me, was the final proof that you humans were in league with those hideous, bloated ex-patriates of the Land (Mammals do not belong in the Deep, Pugh.) Prepared I was to summon forth my multi-limbed relations. That would have been a sight, Mr. Pugh, thousands coursing to the surface, thrashing and crushing with hunter-tentacles until their tender bodies gave into the dearth of pressure and concusively burst, tearing the foul monkey-men to bits with the shrapnel of their stiffening spines and beaks. We would have feasted on your eyes, your delicious salty eyes. "

   --Giant Squid on whales. (From Giant Squid #8)

"Secondly, when the Walker and Dweller awaken, and when justice rolls down as a rushing tsunami upon you, you will see what a foolish question you have asked. Cephalopods and humans, in a pact together? Would you enter into a pact with your cheeseburger? Your wheat? Of course not, Jay. Even a human as simple and child-like as you can see that wheat and cheeseburger are substances far weaker than you. Why feel pity?"

   --Giant Squid on whether humans and Cephalopods could join forces. (From Giant Squid #15)


Man and Squid Entwined


Erik Garner Warren, circa 1707, Meets the Giant Squid for the first time.



Fear the Giant Squid

Read More!

The Squid on the Slumberer at R'lyeh

With Regards to Squid Manhood

The Squid on Cell phones and Bombshells

The Squid on Modern Fiction

The Squid Entertains the Children

The Squid Novel, Big American, begins


The Squid Archive (everything!)

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Copyright (c) 2000, 2004, David Erik Nelson, Fritz Swanson, Morgan Johnson

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Copyright (c) 2001 Poor Mojo's Almanac(k)

David Nelson, Fritz Swanson and Morgan Johnson