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Squid #374
(published March 20, 2008)
Ask the Giant Squid: What You Might Do In Order To Woo
Who is Poor Mojo's Giant Squid?
Dear Giant Squid,

So a girls that you like likes some body else what do I do?

Sincerely,
Michael Selazney


Dearest Michael,

This is a very distressing intelligence you report. Nonetheless, I appreciate your pledge of camaraderie during this difficult passage for, while I was well aware that Vanessa does not prefer me, per se — her refusal to make eye contact in the school's halls, or to accept the severed plant-genitals and canine sweetmeats I have proffered is evidence enough of that — I will now candidly admit that I had held out much hope in the matter. But now, as you explain that she likes more some other's body . . . well, the matter seems grim.

But we, together, shall soldier on, dear friend. As we have missed the fine window of opportunity which constitutes Saint Padric Valentino's Day — an interval during which most any imaginable romantic reversal might be executed, at least for the short-term — I believe we have six options in how to respond to this development.

WHAT YOU MIGHT DO

1) Take in hand a missive, provided by me and roughly outlined below:

VANESSA SINCLAIR:

SHOULD IT COME TO PASS THAT YOUR NEW ROMANTIC INTEREST MIGHT DIE SUDDENLY AND UNPLEASANTLY, YOU WOULD TAKE SOLACE IN THE ARMS AND TENTACLES OF THE GIANT SQUID:

YES or NO

(please circle one)

This you will present to Vanessa either during your shared Home Room Period (during which our greatest ally, the alphabet, does place you within her immediate, Hannah Montana body lotion-scented proximity), or whilst passing from your class of Mathematics to your Physical Exertions, during which time your path intersects the slavering line of youths eager to enter the Cafetorium for First Lunch. Vanessa Sinclair is often among these.

2) Request Vanessa's mother accompany you on a date to the opera. I do not know if Vanessa's father is extant — if so, then this plan will necessarily need to be dove-tail conjoined to the Option 3, below. In any event, for the sake of environmental-efficiency, you will suggest that you and Vanessa's Mother make of this date a double. Then, after she assents but afore she can voice any suggestions, you must demand that Vanessa form one half of this doubling. Then, casually, you will glance upon the tickets, note that the opera starts in just 22 minutes! and hurry the ladies to the waiting minivan — piloted by your own parent of your choosing — where I will await. During the intermission, I shall give unto Vanessa a chocolate ring, for to seal our affections.

3) Kill Vanessa's father in the darkness of night. With his dying breath, he shall gasp, "What manner of man or beast has fallen upon me in such cowardly and mortal a manner?" You shall reply with the name of her new beloved. One of two situations shall then arise: Either the Spirit of Vanessa's father will curse and harrow her new beau until such time as he is reduced to a cowering, unattractive, quasi-human lump, or the Ghost will spare no effort in poisoning Vanessa's assessment of the callow youth who has captured her fant'sy. In either case, it cannot be denied, the result is Squid for the Win.

4) Construct a small thermonuclear device and detonate it in Spokane, Washington. Presuming that normal meteorological patterns prevail, this will pose little real threat to us in Detroit, Michigan, but the subsequent atmosphere of fear and atomic paranoia will drive Vanessa into my waiting arms, tentacles, and Atomic Regulatory Commission-approved fallout shelter. There-in we shall pass long, rain-swept afternoons playing Stratego and discussing our hopes, dreams, and musical tastes — such is the fecund soil where love invariably takes root, Michael.

5) Attend the Florida Flight Training Center (FFTC) in Venice, Florida with all due haste, and learn to fly small craft. On the appointed day, you shall load an incendiary parcel in the rear of your plane and fly high above the school, actuating the device and using the ensuing smoke to spell out the following message:

VANESSA SINCLAIR:

SHOULD IT COME TO PASS THAT YOUR NEW ROMANTIC INTEREST MIGHT DIE SUDDENLY AND UNPLEASANTLY, YOU WOULD TAKE SOLACE IN THE ARMS AND TENTACLES OF THE GIANT SQUID:

YES or NO

(please pierce one with a single shot from a 26.5mm German flare signal pistol)

Whether you ultimately learn to both take off and land the craft is, of course, at your discretion.

6) Creep up behind Vanessa, and then crouch to hands and knees. Once you are situated, I shall rush at her from around the edge of the Hall of Learning and strike her, hard, such that she stumbles over your bent back and into the springtime muds. This will irrevocably soil her fashionable, designer-crafted pinafores and petticoats, not to mention the terrible scuffing her Mary Jane shoes shall suffer. While the state of her loves shall remain unchanged, the satisfaction will be exquisite.

This, then, Michael are the things you can do; what you do do remains to be seen. How, then, shall we proceed?

I Remain,
Her Giant Squid
Editor-in-Chief
PMjA

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