Dear Giant Squid,
What should I write a book about?
As you have clearly surmised, as I float in my glass and concrete tank high above the necropolis of Detroit, I make time for a great deal of unhindered pondering. Whole days might drift past without a sound passing my beak or a single, staccato, Morse-coded tap my tentacles, and I do permit my boundlessly profound mental faculties to follow, at full length and extent, their fant'sies.
Often, when I am not harboring secret, violent fantasies (my newest scheme is, as yet, still unfolding; I shall keep thee aprised) or planning how I shall dispense of the treacly millions I will ultimately accrue from our own Michigan's State Lotto-ery (Oh, yes; you will be mine, dear Lotto-ery!), I imagine the possible plottings of books I might one day scribe. While I have, in fact, read very few novels, I have seen a great number of movies and television programs, and read much of the New York Times Review of Books, and believe I have the general drift of "The Craft." Alas, like and unto so many of my work-a-day D-town cohort, I possess more grand ideas than mundane time. So, in the spirit of novelistic comradery, I share some of these with here, now. If you might happen to use any and turn a profit in doing so, I ask only that you thank me in your acknowledgments, name an animal or child in my honor, and post 22 percent of all royalties to:
Poor Mojo's Media Empire, Treasury Offices
PO Box 282
STORY IDEAS OF THE GIANT SQUID
- Zeppelin races of the Last Czar.
- A man is bitten by a radioactive pig and gains the power to control pork products with his mind: sausagekinesis. What shall he do with this gift?
- A lyrical short novel about the nature of divorce and desperation among affluent Caucasians living in New York City. Los Angeles is also an acceptable.
- A former member of a Colombian Murder Squad discovers the long lost daughter he never knew he had, and discovers what it means to be a father.
- A former member of a Colombian Murder Squad discovers the long lost daughter he never knew and trains her to murder political prisoners.
- The daughter of a Colombian Murder Squad soldier comes to terms with her father's dark past while on a wild drunken topless car chase with her promiscuous best friend. (Nota Bene: Probable trilogy; contact agent and legal representation.)
- Nietzsche and Copernicus arm wrestle in Atlantis. (N.B. Movie tie-in?)
- A stoner, a bitter divorcee, and a small black boy start a business catching delicious dogs to feed to an irascible and lovable Giant Squid. Dog-Busters?
- Something involving spacecraft. And hobbits. The market, evidently, favors these.
- A man and woman meet while butchering a cow and fall in love. The cow may or may not be God. (N.B. This may be more a self-help title.)
- Something involving romance or sex.
- A prostitute who has been outed on national TV goes home for Christmas.
- Trailer parks.
- A woman dreams of creating a brand new cheese and commits terrible sins against nature to do so.
- Something involving Second Life or World of Warcraft. They seem to be very popular right now. Perhaps a man from a Second Life could fall in love with a woman from the World of Warcraft?
- Shakespeare on the Moon. (N.B. Also, seprents?)
- A small child discovers a secret magical world inside his microwave.
- Food shortages lead people to consume each other, but their flesh is concealed within a different product altogether. Possibly by vampires or on a spaceship. (N.B. No, remove vampires. Or, use them separately in the sequel. Perhaps also invite the topless Colombian daughter?)
- What if babies could talk? Or vote?
- Write a story where the main character commits suicide at the end, or wherein she wakes up and discovers it has been but a dream.
- A football team comprised of misfits and has-beens goes up against a well-trained professional team for the World Championship. They are horribly injured.
- The Great Rising comes and humanity is pushed to a small archipelago along the Rocky Mountaintops. Squid, sharks, and nefarious bull seals devour the rest and grow fat on their remains. Old Gods from Beyond the Veil of Time stalk the Deep. Justice is meted upon all the waters of the Earth. Everything is right once more.
I do hope, dearest Connie, that some of these ideas will be helpful to you and your literary endeavors. Please keep the details of our contract in mind. By reading this column, you have already assented to it in a legally binding fashion.
Your Giant Squid