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Squid #331
(published May 24, 2007)
Ask the Giant Squid: One is the Ugliest Number
Who is Poor Mojo's Giant Squid?
Dear Giant Squid,

Is Rebecca the uglyist person on the face of the earth? I really need to know badly. Please answer.


Dearest Readers,

As you will no doubt recall, one month past I made to experiment with the audience's participation — such being all the rage in this vast and bloggy Internet. I was suitably pleased with the results, and might have plausibly considered again dabbling in such democratic slumming. But, fortune herself has forced my hand prematurely, in the form of the above query.

I, for one, believe Rebecca is quiet offensive of appearance. First, and foremost, her eyes are small, unattractively gathered to either side of her soft, cartilaginous nose, and optically flawed. This is grotesque in the extreme. Additionally, her current mode of presentation for her hair ill fits her features, and I do not know why she dares to wear of the leggings with the short and flouncy skirt — a faux pas that was offensively graceless in 1985, and continues to be so to this day. More so, in the case of cankles such as hers.

Conversely, my assistant and typist, Jarwaun, is of the belief that she is pretty, provided "you like skinny white girls" — which he does, although I do not, as I find them to be largely flavorless, and also I dislike having to pick the small bones from the meat when preparing fillets. My itinerant lab assistant, Rob, believes "Is that some high school chick? Fuck, Lord A., I'm not even gonna start getting tangled in this shit; one day, you're all innocently standing around in the mall saying Yeah, I guess I'd hit that shit when the little jigglypops strut by with their Abercrombie & Whathefuck bags, next day you're sobbing in front of the handy cams. I've got No Comment on this shit, bro." And Rob crossed his arms across his chest and spoke no further for the remainder of the day, on that subject or any other.

What do you think of Rebecca, dear Readers, especially in terms of her attractiveness as a person? Please join me in the Newswire to discuss this. As you post, recall that your fellow Readers (like and unto myself) do much appreciate both specificity and anecdotal evidence, nor do they spurn numbers, charts and graphs; be as specific as possible, citing any germane details that leap to mind. Do not hesitate to be scathing, do not heap praise unduly, do not spare the rod, and do not spoil the child.

In advance, I voice my great and terrible appreciation for your aid and co-operation.

I Remain,
Your Giant Squid

UPDATE May 31, 2007

Constant Readers,

To those who write, I much appreciate your aid in establishing the ugliness of Rebecca. For those who read, I offer for you, below, the advice and counsel, as tendered by my loyal Mojonauts. May we all take these to heart, and let them inform our actions and grooming.

the GS

Nah, there are a bunch on the list ahead of her:

and then, Rebecca

Posted by: Mojo | May 24, 2007 01:11 PM

The ugliest person in the world? Not even close.


Posted by: Alan | May 24, 2007 02:19 PM

I assure you, not only is Rebecca's face a cruel and foul abomination, but it is the most profound and convincing argument for physiognomy, as it reflects upon the most twisted and heartless soul I have ever come across.

Rebecca, if you're reading this, I hate you, and I always have.

Seriously, WTF is your problem? I've never done anything but stay out of your way and clean up your messes and lend you money. And you betray me, for a little comment about your stupid little fuzzy and googly-eyed pencil, and you spread all that crap about me talking about Janice's cankles behind her back.

But guess what? Janet doesn't have cankles. She doesn't have to wear ugly teal and magenta socks to cover up her sickly, wrinkled, splotchy FAT cankles like YOU DO. I don't have to deal with this anymore. We are through.

You know, I never gossiped, and I promised myself I never will, but tonight, I'm going to make an exception, and send everyone i know an IM about that night at becka's.

Posted by: Alecks | May 25, 2007 01:35 AM

If we're talking souls, then yeah... I'm not sure you'll find anybody uglier than Rebecca. What she did to her landlord that weekend isn't a crime yet, but that's only because nobody'd ever thought to outlaw stuff like that before.

Visually though, I don't know. She's pretty normal looking until you make eye contact.

Posted by: JIM | May 25, 2007 10:48 AM

Are we all talking about the same damn Rebecca? Because, to my eye, Rebecca's physical attractiveness is beyond question. She's the kind of beautiful girl that sits in the back of the room next to the retarded kid and describes oral sex in nauseating detail until he finally pees himself and starts blubbering. She's the kind of pretty you have to be in order to be that ugly.

Posted by: dave-o | May 25, 2007 11:15 AM

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