My Adorable Trick and Treatlicious Readership,
As Loyal citizens of these As-of-Yet-Still-Barely United States, I am certain that the vaster portion of you are additionally Registered Voters and Treat Requisitioners. We have entered an exciting time of year, that fateful period when the dead leave their graves and petition for redress into public office, ghostly ghouls scamper through the sheets with petitions in hand, and the were-wolfman rises from his dreamless thousand-year slumber, devours of the tiny Milky Way bars and galaxies, and then demands the Outlawing of Gay Marriage, the Legalizing of Gay Abortion, and the Electing of Gay Congressmen. Ah, I do recall the Trick or Voting Time it with fondness and blood-hunger, from my days Presidential, ensnared in the tangle-web of governance. I do know, more so than many, the confusion and despair that can grip the Soul—even the tiny, vestigial human soul—in these times of decision and voteering, of egging windows and soaping flaming paper sacks concealing feces, of tainting ballots and candies. As such, I offer you the following All Hallow's Eve Voter's Guide, to ease this transition from Life to After-Life, from Harvest Time to Reaving Time, and from Pre-Election Season to the Murderous Winter of the Lame Duck:
(please clip this and post it publicly, for the greater elucidation of your fellow citizens)
|THE POOR MOJO'S ALMANAC(K)|
ALL HALLOW'S EVE VOTER'S GUIDE
- Afore eating any comestibles received during the Hallow's Eve beggary, be sure to thoroughly check the packaging for damage, dangerous insertions, or tainting. Common candy dangers include the addition of the following inedible materials into foodstuffs and legislation: pins, needles, arsenic, old lace, high fructose corn syrup, riders, earmarks, creme du foley.
- We endorse all bipedal candidates engaged in contests versus quadrupeds, and all quadrupeds engaged in races versus the wingéd creatures who peck and nibble. Cephalopods, it should be known, are endorsed above all.
- In the concern of Proposition Measure 187, wherein bonds will be issued to pave the highways of California with the dead of Canada, we issue a strong No recommendation. We have attempted the creation of structural habitats using both the newly-dead and fully-rotted, and it has never resulted well for any involved.
- Always wear a light colored costume while voting, provided the voting occurs prior to Labor Day. Otherwise, wear a dark outfit and dart swiftly, so as to evade oncoming traffic and dangerous propositions. Be like the ninja lawmaker playing in traffic.
- For popular costumes, please consult last year's All Hallow's Week Almanac(k) Item.
- For the most efficient treat-gathering in the limited window of time available to you, please consider mapping a route out ahead of time. Also, vehicles and motion-enhancers such as bicycles, mopeds, scooters, tricycles, rocketbelts, quad- through hepta-cycles, and rail guns are strongly advised.
- When engaged in the bobbling for apples, remember to stab with the beak. Trying to bite or snap upon the apple will only cause it to shoot from your grasp and cause embarrassment.
- When dealing with party embarrassment it is polite to smile and make jest of one's self, I am told. The loud threatening, entangling, strangulation, or devouring of Those Who Mock is bad form, I am told.
- When disposing of bodies during this Federally Recognized Holiday be sure to take full advantage of raked piles of leaves. They provide an ideal source of temporary concealment.
- Be careful when dressing and choosing one's costume. It is often popular to dress in topical themes, but some themes should be avoided. Dressing as the Kenny Lay may result in arrest or battery at the hands of impoverished stockholders. Dressing as the Terrorist or Insurgent is quite dangerous, and dressing as a Page of Congress may result in undue orifice-tenderness.
- If orifice-tenderness becomes an issue at any time during the Votes and Sweets season, please consider the liberal application of an appropriate unguent or salve, such as Preparations H or J.
- Desirable "treats" received on this Holiday include, but are not limited to: full-size bars of chocolate; candied corn; tax relief; full Presidential pardons; apples dipped in the caramel and speared with wooden stakes that are easily grasped by your tiny hands; additional funding for small business and schools; and, puppies.
- Candied and fried puppies are appropriate treats, as they keep well for several hours in a room-temperature pillowcase. Puppy-pops do become melted, and fresh puppies squirm distractingly.
Practice care and caution in this time of delicious danger and manifest destiny! Carry a flashlight at all times, look to both the dexter and sinister before crossing any thoroughfare, and do not don of the masks which obstruct the vision, unless obstructing your own vision is your sole and purposeful aim.
Finally, Happy Holy Day.
Your President In Absentia
Your Giant Squid
A CRASSLY COMMERCIAL ADDENDUM: I am informed that, for most Americanerros, the close of Hallow's Ween also marks the beginning of the protracted Commercial Observance of the Yule Gift Giving Season. As such, I wish to remind my dutiful and dedicated readers that I have penned a brief tome of a holiday-making theme, Holiday Hijinx, which shall make the perfect gift to bequeath unto your dearest friend, inflict upon foulest enemy, or lay near your most quizzical frenemy. The remaining copies are few, but reasonably priced, and can be individually inscribed in a manner befitting your tastes.
Finally, this week marks the completion of our sixth year of weekly publication; please draw your attention to my announcement on this matter, and revelation of Exciting Developments in the Poor Mojo's Universe.