It has come to my perfect and many-faceted attention that this year's All-is-Hollow Eve—this Federally recognized National induction into the black arts of spirit veneration, this traditional farewell to Spring's bountiful Fecundity and the Vernal Plenty, this mournful greeting of the swift and silent jogging approach of Invernal Death—is also a great strain upon many a gossamer-stranded human psyche and their attending patchwork system of relations and relationships. Surface-dwelling gruntmonkeys like yourselves suffer under the added stress and burden of imagining and executing, or purchasing the appropriate finery for your Autumnal Bacchanal. So much stress occurs over such skimpy fripperies, these frocks of costumery. "Which is appropriate?" You cry. "Shall I dress as the sexually promiscuous feline, or possibly as the sexually promiscuous devil?" It pains me greatly to see my people suffer, and so, since it has been indicated that I cannot simply decree a mode of behavior, action or comportment within this great land's borders—and the National Congress moving too slowly upon my Federal Costumery Act (there are issues regarding the severe penalties for failure to indulge in merriment that I, in my Benthic Wisdom, have demanded)—I will do that which is next best, and provide sage and timely advice.

As such, I make the following offering, this simple dichotomous key, as an easy reference. My research and meditation has revealed that there are nine basic costume types appropriate to all good Americaneers, based upon their individual, unique-ish combination of traits. No longer should you wander and wonder: Have I chosen of costumes wisely? Am I truly, at my heart of hearts, a sexually promiscuous witch? Let me and my francophonic research assistants do the thinking for you, and remove from your equation the Unknown Variables that do so vex.

Please feel free to clip this key and save it handily, for when an emergency of Hallow's Eve disguise or decoration becomes apparent.

Examplar of Usage:Let us say that you are a female of fewer than 13 years with four or fewer limbs. Scanning our key, you find that you choose the latter in the first dichotomy, the latter in the second dichotomy, the latter in your third dichotomy and the former in your final dichotomy, whereby you discover that your optimum costuming is that of Infantry Gunner; you are now just a brief visit to the apparel store and gun shop away from being properly outfitted for your turning of the Tricks-for-Treats.

DICHOTOMOUS KEY OF APPROPRIATE HALLOW'S EVE FESTOONMENTS

Gender is Male Age is above 26 Lactose intolerance Flesh is firm and supple: COSTUME: FOOLISH GLADIATOR IN PLASTIC ARMORS Fatty: COSTUME: MELON Clamy-handed: COSTUME: NEON TETRA (A Guppy would also suffice, depending upon the supplies available at your local haberdasher) Age is below 26 Age is betwixt 13 and 26 Dry scalp Glue-sniffer: COSTUME: MICHELANGELO THE NINJITSU-TRAINED TURTLE AND RENAISSANCE PAINTER Masturbateur: COSTUME: LARGE PENIS CHENEY Age is below 13 Face is Punch-Hungry: COSTUME: PRINCESS Fists are hard: COSTUME: PRINCESS Gender is Female Age is above 26 Breath smells vaguely of milk besoured: COSTUME: AGÉD HAG Possessed of boots made for walking: COSTUME: AGÉD HAG Age is below 26 Age is betwixt 13 and 26 Fetching countenance, supple curves: COSTUME: SEXUALLY PROMISCUOUS DEVIL/WITCH/CAT Fearful countenance, fleshy saddle bags: COSTUME: SEXUALLY PROMISCUOUS DEVIL/WITCH/CAT Age is below 13 Limbs number four or fewer: COSTUME: INFANTRY GUNNER Limbs number greater than four: COSTUME: PRINCESS

Please, to Enjoy the Season! Eat much of the razoréd apples!

I Remain,
Your Giant Squid
Editor-in-Chief
PMjA
President-at-Large
These United States

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Post-Scriptorum:

Loyal Readers,

Please immediately take a moment to add yourselves to my Noble Poor Mojo's Readership Map; all who hesitate are lost! It is with this fair map that I shall separate the wheat from the chafe, and the loyal from the disposable.

The Readership Map

Yours Yet Still,
GS