As mentioned before
, in times past this fair Almanac(k) has been far from almanac(k)ical. As such, I've set myself to ameliorating this deficit, and thus to occasionally produce an item sufficiently almanac(k)ical. Please find below another such offering: my picks and predictions for this coming year of the 2005.
- Januarius: My glorious Inauguration in the Washingtonia Deca. Additionally, Januarius of 2005 shall be a good month for to warm a bottle of pickled brandy, array the iced chocolates upon a serving tray, and snuggle deep beneath the sheets of your bed of sleeping and rutting with a loved-one (or his/her next of kin.)
- Febro: A time sleetful and charming. Terrible season for planting, but ripe for reaving— to everything there is the turn, the turn, the turn. In personal affairs, be fickle, vicious, vindictive and small.
- Marching: In to the lion, out through the lamb. As such, the Swiss— wily Swiss!— shall drill through France to come out China, while we shall "beat them with their punch" when we drill through the Arid-Zona and shall exit the Viet Nam. Make "in through the lion, out through the lamb" your motto of Marching.
- Aprill: The fashions of the Spring shall include cactus-skin, whale teeth, and golden satins— an age of succulent decadence. For the slave class, they shall continue to promenade along the boulevards in fetid rags and radio-electric shock tethers. France will burn, and the Swiss eat Lo Mien.
- Might: The land of Canaan shall be restored to the Palestiniites. The Jews shall be shifted to Germany— who truly instigated the mess— and the Germans (in a attitude of the sins of the family falling on the daughter) to Sealand. The current Sealanders may determine rent as they see fit. A good time for real estate dealings of all sorts and kinds.
- Juno: The mugginess of Summer begin. Birds to sing, bees to sing, trees to sing of mating and birth. Expect the discovery of four new instruments of music (the Caucophone, the Tublimp, the Stringulator, the Gringor) and one new instrument of pain (The Nightmare Christmas Tree). When next you attend a filmic projection, look about you in the theater, to the one seated afore you, aft of you, a-left of you, and a-right of you and think: Lover, Friend, Murderer, Thief. But which is which? You shall be pleasantly surprised.
- Julio: A good season for the fishing of flies. Beer supplies shall be found to be severely tainted with one of the following: the botulism, the Ecolecia coli, the tapeworm, the SASSER worm. Realize that the clown who killed your father is you.
- Augusto: Spaghetti harvests shall be miniscule, leading to terrible Italian famine— which itself results in a delicious plenty of sun-dried Italian corpses, lending themselves well to a delicious flatbread pizza. This is called serendipity. Bring coffee to your friends, and when the least expect it, the smash and the grab. Booty galore.
- Septober: The Fall wends its way ever nearer, with the redding of the leaves, the desiccating of vegetation, the veneration of death, and the noble battles for the pigged-skin ball afore the ceremonial metal "H" of Glory. When you note a teammate's consistent interest, upon the field, off of the field, in the steamed room of showers, then hesitate not: Point to your Glory Hole, stretch your jaws with glee and shout "My Comrade in Arms! Touch! Down!" and hope for the very best.
- Septober II: United States Americanium shifts to rationalized deca-monthed calender by Architeuthic Presidential decree. Women throughout the Americanum garb in the three Presidentially mandated costumings: the sexually promiscuous cat, the sexually promiscuous witch, or the sexually promiscuous devil in the red-sequined leotard with triangularly tipped tail. Males shall don either the strappadoed pants-of-pain, or the strappadoed short-pants-of-pain, whichever they find more comfortable for the weather conditions in their region and the extenuation of their particular physiques. Owners forcing dog(s) to wear costumes shall be eviscerated, and said viscera fed to the offended canine(s)— who themselves shall eventually be fed to me. Such is the Nature of this World.
- Novembrus (now known as Januarius 2006): A Thanks-to-Giving season, and much for to be thankful for: iced chocolates, vicious bickering, tundra-wandering Jews, salacious kitten women, blistered-and-chaffed men, et cetera ad nauseam. If you seek a pleasant penitentiary, look about you.
- Decembrus (n.k.a. Febro 2006): The world will reflect and rejoice in the completion of the very first year of Rex Archeuthica in the United States (and beyond?)— and two months earlier than originally scheduled! Beware of the year-end terrors; complete your holiday shopping early, stock your disaster shelter well, hide your children with care, and conceal the very tiniest Hopes and Desires of your Hearts.
Your Giant Squid
and President Elect