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Rant #157
(published December 18, 2003)
A Guide to Charging the Mound;
How to Win, No Matter What
by Jason Polan

I have seen a few different instances of batters getting hit by pitches and proceeding to run after the pitcher who threw the ball at them. Here, I am presenting you with a guide to win these battles, batters.

  1. Get hit by a pitch. This is not very hard. You just have to stand still in the batter's box after your rookie pitcher made the mistake of throwing a high fastball too close to the opposing teams star player. Their pitcher is looking for you.
  2. After you get hit by the pitch look down. Slowly breath in. Look like you are not that mad at the guy who hit you really hard. Hold your bat in your hand. Be patient.
  3. Slowly walk to first base. Do not say a word to the tall man on the mound. He probably wont understand you. Talking to him will also tip off the umpire that he should get in between you two. You do not want the umpire getting involved yet. He is very large and will be able to help after you start beating up the pitcher.
  4. After about 3/8ths of the way to first run as fast as you can at the pitcher. He will either be looking away getting ready to pitch to the next batter or will still be aware of you, and the fact that you should be beating him up by now. If he is not looking run really fast towards him. If he is looking, run a little faster towards just the right of him. This way he will be confused that you are running towards second base. He will not think you want to beat him up. He will think you are sort of stealing first base without getting to first. He will think this is some new rule in the book that he is not aware of. He will not be protecting his groin area—your destination.
  5. Once you get to about ten feet away throw your bat up in the air in his direction. You will have his attention by now. The crowd will be excited—which will have alerted him that you are ready to go at it. Remember I told you to hold onto your bat. This is when you gently let go of it so that it flies upward in a gentle, tumbling arc. This will act as a distraction. How is he supposed to watch out for that bat and beat you up at the same time. I bet he watches the bat.
  6. You do not have much time after throwing the bat up in the air. You do have a lot of time if you throw it up in the air really high. The correct height of the bat will come with practice. If you throw it too high you are both going to be waiting for it to come down and the timing of everything is off. If you throw it too low he will catch it and start hitting you with it when you get to the mound. i say this as a warning, but if he does get the bat before you get him do not turn around. if you turn around and he starts running after you it will be the most ridiculous thing to ever happen in sports.
  7. The initial contact. Remember, you have the momentum. He is starting standing still and you are running hard. I do understand that you have a hill to run up, but the hill is little. Grab him by the waist and run your helmet into his chest. The goal here is not to really hurt him, it is just to let other pitchers know not to throw at your head next time the situation arises. Make it look like it is hurting him by knocking the wind out of him or punching him softly in the groin. He is the only one that will know how weird you are after the brawl. Whisper things to him while you are on the ground rolling around with him waiting for everybody in the dugouts to come up and stand around and sort of get involved in the fight. Whisper things that do not make any sense. Talk about your favorite kind of sandwich. Do you like mustard? Honey or hot? These things will confuse him which translates into not hitting you so hard because he will be thinking about mustards.
  8. Now is when the umpires get back into things. When you smell him coming quickly get off of the pitcher. I say this because of fines and suspensions. If you are quick to release and do not elbow the ump as you are reaching back to punch the pitcher for the eighty third time you may walk away with a one or two game suspension or even just a walk from this game. Also-the umps are there to protect you from the tall pitcher. Remember, you got into this fight with an advantage, momentum, your bat. . . this pitcher would probably easily beat the crap out of you if you both started on flat land standing still.
  9. Also-make sure at some point during the fight you rip part of your jersey and get someone else's blood on part of you. You are always cooler with blood.
  10. Send a thank you letter to the umpire for his work. Tell him how sorry you are for your actions. Also mention that it will never happen again. talk about how the umpire is really under appreciated for the tremendous work he does. maybe mention that they are only recognized when they do something wrong. Write "oh how this gets to me!" in bold letters. Write really small so the umpire thinks his vision is getting bad. He will go out and get glasses and most likely loose his job. This last part is optional, depending on how much he helps you win the fight.

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