So, as a big national sensation, I have "earned" the right to request that you have these things waiting for me in my mammoth suite. Which, by the way, should be painted blue. It should be painted at least a month before I get there, you know, because of the fumes.

1. Access to the movie The Big Lebowski. This is of utmost importance. This is probably the only thing I will throw a hissy fit over if not done right. In an extreme pinch, Raising Arizona will suffice.

2. Jon Stewart. If you can't get the real Jon Stewart, then re-runs will have to do.

3. Johnny Depp. Since I mostly just want to look at him, a big-ass poster will be just fine. And while you're getting posters, one of Cate Blanchett would be good too.

4. Windows that open. And have curtains.

5. No fucking fluorescent lights.

6. Amazing stereo. Way better than the one I have at home. Should be able to be described as "bumpin'."

7. I'll bring my own CDs, but you may as well have an emergency stock: anything by Bruce Hornsby, Annie Lennox, The Pretenders, Holly Cole Trio, Mozart, Chopin, or No Doubt.

8. Big, weird flower arrangements.

9. Ridiculously fancy towels in the bathroom. (solid colors only: blue, purple, white, or green.*) Again, way better than what I have at home. This will be a theme.

10. One really nice puffy rug that feels luxurious on the feet. Size unimportant.

11. In the winter: candles. Not too smelly or girly.

12. Laptop with DSL. Way better than what I normally use . . . you know the drill.

13. Professional massage. Preferably Paul Barlow, of Albuquerque, NM.

14. Please have tivo-ed the most recent episodes of Friends, Alias, and Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. It's probably best that I not have cable; I don't need to be introduced to any more TV shows. Just movie channels. And nature channels. And maybe some music-type channels. But without any of those bikini shows. I will freak out if I have to be exposed to that shit. You will hear all about it. Although I wouldn't mind a little quality porn.

15. Fresh (not anywhere near expiration) condoms. It's just best to be prepared.

16. Quality flip flops. In case my own quality flip flops have begun to stank.

17. Someone to do my hair. I obviously can't be bothered. And feel free to provide a make-up artist as well, but one without a big ol' ego, because I will most likely go straight to the bathroom and wash it all off.

18. Aveda's "Hand Relief" and "Foot Relief" lotions, for when I'm bored and/or in front of the TV. While you're at it, get some Aveda crap for the bathroom. Even though their environmental propaganda is totally for show, and not for real. I'll recycle the bottles and then write them a shame-on-you-hypocrites letter. On stationary you provide.

19. Earplugs.

20. Magazines: New Yorker, Vanity Fair, Metropolitan Home (for the centerfolds), Bitch, McSweeney's/The Believer, Adbusters, Utne Reader. (and in a brown paper wrapper 'cause it's nobody's business: People magazine. For research purposes only, you understand.) Also, any mag with gauzy pictures of Jen Aniston. I will be ripping these out and taping them up on the wall. Just so you know.

21. Tape. Who knows what other nice pictures I may need to tape up.

22. There will be no need to provide books. I will have a special baggage handler with me just for my books. Though I guess you'd better provide a bookshelf.

23. Lots and lots of filtered water, room temperature. No bubbles or flavors.

24. Milk Chocolate. I'm easy. Surprise me.

25. Olives. I'm easy. Surprise me. But no pits.

26. Cloth napkins. Really absorbent, thick ones; not just for show.

27. Actual meals will have to be negotiated depending on mood.

28. Guinness, two cases, in case I have visitors.

29. Two to six cigarettes, in case I drink any Guinness.

30. Maps. Of the local area, local hikes, the metropolitan area and state we're in, the U.S., the world, and South America. These will not be returned upon my checking out.

31. Laundry service.

32. Notebook and ballpoint pen. (blue or black. No Bics. I hate those faceted plastic pens that make dents in your fingers.)

33. Tasteful 'Thank You' cards (not too girly, not too cheap). You may as well pick something you like, as you'll be getting one too.

34. Stamps! I will not be standing in line at the post office. Nope.

35. Oh, and of course free parking onsite. (Or, you provide a post-parking therapist or time-release Parking Prozac for any parking searches I have to do.)

36. ok, and if I were allowed to really diva things up, I'd have you supply a hot young person (pensive hot, like Prince William) to play me a few soothing piano pieces like the Moonlight Sonata and Scott Joplin's 'Solace.'
Or I could just bring up this request in a self-deprecating manner to your hospitality person. And we could have a little laugh and appreciate that I'm not *that* diva.

*Please note: no brown, beige, or orange. This will be insisted upon.

Note to readers: OK, yeah, I got a little out of control once I got rolling. But at least I didn't require a Wig Room, like Cher does. And Janet Jackson's Rider is 10 pages long, so there. Actually, hers is pretty reasonable, considering. I mean, can't you agree with her that she should receive fresh ice for her drinks, and not ice that has been previously used to chill fish? She even stipulates that any unused food be brought to a Food Bank afterwards, and suggests that the venue please ecycle. Good for her. If you're gonna be a diva, you may as well be a green diva.