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Rant #156
(published October 30, 2003)
Theoderic, King of the USA
by Fritz Garner Swanson

This is the point where I get kind of militia-sympathetic. Here is the rundown, and it is fucking awesome.

The "war on terror" has resulted in this grand military build-up that gives arms manufacturers erections so intense that they can no longer meet at conference tables but instead have to goosestep around open stadiums with their cocks waving in front of them like blood-engorged MX Missiles saluting the terrible sky. But there is this big fucking problem: who on earth will drive the super-tanks of the future? Fly the super-planes? Put their bodies in front of the depleted uranium super-shells and press the buttons that launch the bunker-busting tactical super-nukes?

You see, the one detail that troubles all of these arms dealers, the one detail that has forced them back to their hoards of Viagra, is that the army is smaller than it has been in thirty years and they made it that way. They kept ejaculating tax-payer dollars on money-shots like the Stealth Fighter and the Stealth Bomber, and worse, on combat ineffective fluffer projects like the insane VTOL Marine osprey, which after ten+ years in development still kills even more troops than it could ever hope to save on the battlefield because it can't fucking fly.

So who will fight those very sexy wars of the future? Nobody knows. While Osprey development continues on apace and Lockheed executives can't seem to keep their hands out of their pants from all of the fucking better-than-rave-quality deathmoney Ecstasy, the military has found it harder and harder to actually populate those aging barracks, where actual people sleep, full to capacity.

The military, which mind you is composed mostly of families on fucking welfare to begin with, is being viewed by more and more Americans as low-rent, low-pay work. Unemployment is at just over 6 percent, and the unemployed still think crying themselves to sleep at night hungry and alone pays better than an Army job.

So after the war profiteers circle-jerk each other one more time with a big spending bill for new, advanced weapons systems that they can blow up at a million bucks a pop on the streets of Basra and Tikrit, what do they do?

  1. They cut veterans benefits.
  2. They push Bush to sign an executive directive EXPEDITING the naturalization of immigrants in the Armed Fucking Services!

This is awesome. I almost felt like the CEO of Halliburton. I came six times and ninja stars shot out of my goddamn ass! If we can't send our own impoverished classes into the meat-grinder of profit-driven war, why not— even fucking better— tempt thousands upon thousands of foreigners to this country with the promise of citizenship so that they can get their asses shot off in our corporate wars.

Don't take this as an anti-immigrant thing, really. This is being played off as a hand-up to our needy wanna-be Americans defending democracy. This is being played as doing a service for the heroes in uniform. But think what this actually means.

Why not just go full steam ahead on this proposition. Instead of letting rich and middle class American die in our foreign wars (like they did in Vietnam . . . and they complained so goddamn much about it they actually ended the war. Uh-oh. No war means no big fucking hard-ons!) why not make the poor do it. Blacks and Latinos die just the same as rich white kids, and they don't bitch as much by half. But wait, if we keep focusing on the poor and oppressed in this country, and they can't bitch, then eventually we price ourselves out of the labor market and all of sudden like with every other job available to the under-educated and the under privileged we decide that we should export it. Not only don't immigrants complain about where they are fighting or why (they can't even fucking vote, isn't it marvelous!) but they have so few connections with actual voting Americans that if they did complain, no one would fucking hear them.

So, yeah, let's go full steam ahead! Immigrant army all the way. Fight for McAmerica! Die for McAmerica, and maybe your kids will get to be fat lazy Americans with huge fucking hard-ons as their GE stock goes through the ceiling every time a fighter jet propelled by a GE turbine engine explodes over the cities of some far away terrorist stronghold like Goddamn Paris!

Better yet, if by fucking definition terrorists are people who hate America, and people who hate America are fucking no good sand-nigger terrorists (even if they are French or Swedish or Laotian or Bengalese or whatever) then doesn't finally stand to reason that any foreigner who doesn't want to become a citizen by joining our kick-ass techno-army hates America and is therefore a no-good, bug-eating, camel-riding terrorist?

Why don't we just go to every country that isn't America and divide them up into two fucking teams? Shirts will be Anti-American scum because they don't want to join our immigrant army and win citizenship. Skins will be the good guys. We can go to goddamn Laos and give half of them laser-guided smart bombs and six-weeks of training so that they can wipe the other half off the face of this god-fearing earth in the name of Jesus and Democracy and Huge Coca-Cola-size Super Erections that pierce the surface of the moon!

It will fucking rule. And all of the new immigrants, after they move to LA and write their fucking screenplays, well, when they are good and conservative NAZIs like Arnold, they will have friends who will change the constitution for them and make it so that Naturalized citizens can become president.

And that's when the goddamn worm is gonna turn. Phu Duc from southern Laos fought in the second Cola Wars of Indochina in 2013 and by good effort and the grace of his miraculous Osprey 2 Death Machine, made as joint venture between Mattel and Advanced Dynamics, became a field-promoted Lieutenant and then an American Citizen. Now, after a long career in Hollywood he is poised to win the presidency. His plans are well-known and well-received. He is going to win the presidency, marry a beautiful blond DAR from Connecticut and move the White House to Timbuk-fucking-tu.

This will fucking rule. Vote Phu!

An Army Stretched Too Thin

Army Benefits Cut

The Bird That Won't Fly

Expedited Citizenship for Soldiers one and two

Arnold for President

Roman Army Citizenship

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