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Squid #255
(published December 1, 2005)
Ask the Giant Squid: Only Exactly What It Is
Who is Poor Mojo's Giant Squid?
Dear Giant Squid:

Why do Squid shoot off a blue like substance?

Anonymous Internet Petitioner

My Very Dearest Anonymista:

Oh, my dearest reader, a "like substance" you say?

Curse to all of you slouchchimps who cannot with your own language be clear!

We of the proud and noble species Architeuthis engage in no "shoot off" of any such base matter as a "like substance," whether it be blue, teal, cobalt or otherwise encolored or be-hued. It is vexing and frustrating to no known end that you should be so cavalier with your horribly imprecise and un-germane of the languages. It is as if you were constructing a domicile by flinging faeces and mud roughly downward until the pile was tolerably tall, and then bodily would you collapse into the mud-and-faeces hovel and call it a home, such as I have seen the larval humans doing with the raked piles of decaying, bacteria-lathered tree leaves. Your flauntingly disrespectful discourse does but bring to my fluttering skin a flush of anger, purpled and of a texture like the cottaged cheese spread on toasted bread.

The substances my kind gloriously emit (not to "shoot off" like so many moaning gauchos on the fair Argentine hill-scapes) is not anything so banal as a "blue like."

Think man, to whom you are interchanging of the thoughts and ideas? Would one so grandiloquent as I be so bland, so passé, as to "shoot off" of the "blue like substances"? No!

Am I some common stinkfish clouding the waters like so many faeces hurling primates? No! Am I some horrid dolphin, rising every so often into the sucking vacuum of the surface to spit wads of sea water skyward like some chaw-chewing redneck of the deep? No!


We squidkin distribute lust substances, and hate material. We emit the most exquisite varieties of rage! We gently deposit in your presence our subtle and coy tenderness. And to each ectoplasmic ejection it is given only the finest shades of the colors you can perceive. Words do not these colors do justice at all, for they are color qua color. Your eyes are primitive and given to too much of the staring at blinding electrons to be able to perceive nuances, unlike my optically perfect orbs. When you gaze upon the finely developed pigments as they drift through the water, you are swept up by the penetrating and inescapable precision, for to see upon a substances Architeuthica is to know it's absolute and irreconcilable nature in all of its manifest possibilities.

"Blue", indeed. Pfah!

Your Giant Squid

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see other pieces by this author | Who is Poor Mojo's Giant Squid? Read his blog posts and enjoy his anthem (and the post-ironic mid-1990s Japanese cover of same)

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