Dear Giant Squid:

Who are your Enemies?

Your Friend,
The Ghost of Richard Nixon

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Dearest Dick o' Tricksey,

First, allow me to rescind all condolences which were earlier conferred. You are indeed greater and more powerful dead than you were alive. Even now, the bluegreen ethereal quality of your be-robed form does appear weekly on the national stage. I believe your greatest achievement, (barring the gutting and taxidermitizing of John Fitzgerald Caenedach's actual corpse following his Second Assassination in 1989) was the Re-Animation of Your Death Spawn, Richard Milhouse Cheney. That you keep his fetid corpse stumbling through the Capital powered only by a canister of compressed howls (as seen in the following photographic plate; look to the inseam for where he stores his powerpack of human suffering and fury) is truly a marvel of eldritch science.

In the end, I should not have mourned you, but instead, as I do know, loathed your achievement and envied your transmutation into the sublime creature you are today. Truly, you have surpassed the King in Yellow.

In that spirit, I can only imagine that you are now calling in one of many favors leased to me, lo these many years ago, and I imagine I am far down upon your listings of the mark. Fleshing out your own enemies list for The Second Coming, eh? It is a wise mind who delegated such paltry, personal duties.

Well, please, before the windy trumpets blare, and the Nixons raise their rigored fists into the California air, peruse my own list of the enemies and add all or any that you find will happily flesh out your own much grander catalogue:

THE MANY AND SUNDRY WHO I DESPISE MOST

• Wil Wheaton
• Joss Whedon (no relation)
• the Soft-Coated Wheaten Terrier (indigestion)
• Ann The Coulter
• A. L. Kennedy (for corrupt practices too debauched to name... I being the perpetrator, she being the unfortunate witness)
• keypad entry devices smaller than 8 centimeters to a side
• Alton Brown (mostly regarding pecuniary matters)
• voice recognition software
• facial recognition software (no relation)
• Lord Jerome Michael Software III, 63rd Lord of Fairfax (no relation)
• the Internet entrepreneur who continues to enjoin me to purchase from him the "DI$C0UNT \/i@g_ra!!!", despite my clear and present potency
• little Miss Doreen Gray, age six
• The Digital Photographique Portrait of little Miss Doreen Gray, age six, and the many decadent horrors both visual and spiritual to which it already can attest
• Cub Scout Troop 416 (Farmington Hills, MI)
• Richard M. Nixon (retired, deceased)

Richie Dick, should you ultimately elect to license one or several of the above-listed marks for limited, non-exclusive use on your own Enemies List or Lists, please contact my legal council via certified postal mail for a complete schedule of fees:

The Rev. Dr. Love, Esq.
Legal Counsel to the Giant Squid
c/o Poor Mojo's Almanac(k) and Associated Media Services
PO Box 282
Manchester, MI 48158

Yet I Remain,
Your Giant Squid
Editor-in-Chief
PMjA