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Squid #386
(published June 12, 2008)
Ask the Giant Squid: After the Boarding Part Must Come The Afterparty
Who is Poor Mojo's Giant Squid?
Dear Giant Squid,

Garrrr, I be haven another question for ye, the smartest being in he known world. This time my crew mutinied me—threw me off into the sea to be devoured by the sharks. But I survived, and stole me a new ship—a little sloop—fast but not as good as me old ship. Now, should I start from the bottom and work me way up again, or take my revenge on the traitors who left me for dead?

Anonymous the Pirate

Dear Pirate-With-No-Name,

As always, sweet buccaneer, it is lovely to hear from you. When your bottled messages wash upon our electronic shores, all in the office do gather about and partake in the ceremonial uncorking. My lab assistant, Rob, purchases rum. Our head mechanic, Devo, provides drinking mugs carved of pineapples. Lan Head Molly wears an eyepatch and swaggers, about waving of her plasticine cutlass in a most menacing fashion, although it is clear that her heart is hardly in it. She, in the least, does try, and this I appreciate.

Suffice it to say that such an occasion is, in short, a to-do.

We all were sorry to read of your travails. Mutiny is a terrible affliction of the seas, not unlike scurvy, keel-hauling, and explosive decompression. But all who call the great sea their lover, their mistress, their kissing cousin, their wife, or their down-low bro, must suffer such occasional maladies,. As you have so astutely noted, the key here, dear Pirate Prince, is to move past and claim these troubles as your own, then to calculate the precise breadth and trajectory of your next confident stride.

Possible courses of action:


Jarwaun: I ain't gonna type that. That's bad grammar. We learned all about that in grade five.


Jarwaun: We learned that more punctuation don't make a thing more. If you got a question, one question mark is good enough. Adding more doesn't it make it more important.

Squid: BUT—

Jarwaun: Two periods don't make it more.

We did go on this way for sometime. He still will not type what I asked and has been sent home without being allowed to play of the Xbox in the Boom Room.

Let us tack back onto course. Betrayal must be dealt with swiftly and harshly. None may be allowed to question your wisdom and edicts. Witness my terrible and mighty wrath as I send Jarwaun home with no playing of the "Calling Of Duty For Once More, Normandy!" Your shipmates have tossed you from their ranks, undoubtedly lead by a scurrilous second in command. How will you get your revenge? Creep with stealth in your feet and knives in your teeth upon the ship in the midst of night and kill until your thirst is slated? No. For then who will follow your orders when all are dead?

You shall win, dear pirate. By winning you shall show them your captainship is greater than that of the traitors. Then, by force, you will take back to your old, salt deck. Afore the disco ball swirls and the music rises thumpluciously, you shall choose among your old, well-warn crew, now hungering for your steady hand and ball-polishing skills. Select all, none, or some—to the rest is the lash, the knot, and the Deep Blue Sea—then re-conjoin with your new, misfit crew, they humming with excitement and loyalty. In either event, you will most certainly be dressed for the occasion.

I wish you luck, dear fantastic pirate, in this difficult passage.

I Remain,
Your GIant Squid

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see other pieces by this author | Who is Poor Mojo's Giant Squid? Read his blog posts and enjoy his anthem (and the post-ironic mid-1990s Japanese cover of same)

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