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Squid #383
(published May 22, 2008)
Ask the Giant Squid: Credit Card Fraud, a Biblical Analysis
Who is Poor Mojo's Giant Squid?
Dear Giant Squid,

I am applying at my son's Christian school. On the application it asks, "Were you ever convicted of a felony?" Five years ago I was. I am off probation and paid my fines. It was for credit card theft. I know the administrators at his school: They would be let down, I suppose, but would I get the job? I know I have to be honest. Thanks.

Been Caught Stealing

My Dear Master Thief and Rumpshaka,

It is, indeed, a great and wondrous synchronicity that you should contact me in regards to a situation of impending employment, as I myself do currently seek a convicted felon and former white-collaréd criminal to serve in my accounting department under the able, yet absent-minded and easily deceived Mr. Leeks.

Ha HA; I jest. Please remain distant from both my accounts payable and receivable.

All japes and capers aside, yours is clearly a complicated problem. In the general, I would say that, provided the employment does not involve the handling of the monies, your fiduciary indiscretion — whilst embarrassing in the extreme — should not threaten your hire. For example, no less than one-third of my staff — including all of my remaining Francophonic chimps, my former lady companion, and my most trusted adviso-adversary — are convicted felons (although the chimps' records were expunged upon their reaching the age of majority—- such are the laws and by-the-laws of the Commonwealth of Virginia).

But your hoped-for employers — the administering ministers of your son's pious academy — are Christians. This, clearly, does complexify your predicaments. Christians, it is well known, are somewhat the fickle. Take, for example, their much-ballyhooed Decalogue. Although this stoney document strictly forbids the adulterous murder, the thieving adultery, the bearing false-witness in order to covet, and the covetous labors on Saturn's Day (amongst other foibles), the revered King David and his son Absalom Absalom transgressed these suggestions oft and vigorously (occasionally simultaneously, and with the very same mule or ass! For further details, please see both the first and second books of Samuel, as well as Samuels Jackson and Pepys).

Granted, many Jesus Christians reject the authority of the Elder Testament and its Jewy adherents — save for the Decamendmants themselves, to which they cling like so many body lice to a Cancun fraternity boy — so, let us shift our examination to a more integral character in their pantheon. Recall the Book of the Good Word of the Exploits of Jesus as Reported by the Apostle Matthew, Chapter 21, in which the Outlaw Jesus steals two horses (Matt 21:2), savagely beats the moneylenders and dove salesmen (Matt 21:12), blights a fig tree out of spite (Matt 21:18), and distributes unto two classes of government agents — prostitutes and tax collectors — a free pass into his Father's Heaven (Matt 21:31), where presumably he will pass much time in their company, stealing horses, cursing trees, and meting out his own, sanctified brand of two-fisted justice. While it is easy for a Jesus Christian to distance him- or herself from the pre-Jesus hi-jinks of King David, it is markedly difficult for a Jesus Christian to distance him- or herself from the infinite jest of Jesus himself. Should your application be rejected on the basis of immorality, I urge you to remind your son's school's human resources personal of Matthew 21:2, and that, in all likelihood and given the same opportunities, Jesus Himself would have done much as you yourself did. Failing this, take four deep breaths, remind yourself of Matthew 21:12-18, and punch directly from your shoulder, being sure to carry through your adversary's face, rather than punching at it.

But, I doubt the matter will degrade to fisticuffs. Viewing the matter in the broad-spectrum and fantastic light of the many Exploits of the Outlaw Jesus, I believe that a felon has a better than average chance of gaining employ with any Christian organization. For lo, is it not said that a Credit Card Fraudster has a better chance of passing through the gates of a parochial school then the eye of a needle-bedecked millionaire might easily pass through the arse of ten camels? Go forward with your application, and fear not of men, for men must die.

I Remain,
Your Giant Squid

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