Do you have any resolutions for the New Year?
Every New Year's Day I craft my resolutions and lock them within a deep subterranean vault hidden in the abandoned salt mines below Detroit. These are my finest plans, and not fit to be seen by gruntchimps and mud-dwellers such as yourself. To gaze upon their perfection could with your optically-inferior eyes might render you blind, or even drive you to the brink of the Cliffs of Madness afore gingerly nudging you past the precipice, leaving you to hurtle down earthward, to split fragile meatsack corpus spatteringly upon the sharp rocks or Knowledge that form the fundament at the base of the Cliffs of Insanity.
However, upon consultation with my advisors, under-editors and freres du guerre, I have crafted a less perfect and less secret set of resolutions that I may share with you. The revelation of these bears little risk of your death, blindness or loss of sanity. In the spirit of the Holy-Days, I have extended this invitation to my colleagues, associates, friends, Romans and countrymen, and assigned wandering editor Erik Garner Warren to compile the list. This, most shockingly of all, he has done, despite his manifest irresponsibility.
Resolutions of the Giant Squid:
I shall endeavor to spend less time ensconced within my abode and will get more fresh water. And by fresh water I mean salt water. I shall endeavor to read a greater number of books, and invest a lesser portion of time in perusing the glossy color photography of the salacious "trash" publications, such as The People, The Maxim Stuff and The Journal of Cephalopodia.
Resolutions of Rob Miller, boon companion and former employee to the Squid:
This is kinda gonna sound nuts after all I went through, but I'm going to resolve to do more drugs. I went totally cold turkey for a year in 2006, and it wasn't all that great. I got really, like, pissy and had this aggression thing goin' on that I'm not real comfortable with. So, yeah, more bud in 2007. That's one thing. Also, I've gotta stop speeding. These tickets and shit are out of control, and my insurance is crazy now with all the points; I'm paying almost 2 grand every 6 months!
Resolutions of the Donny MacPherson, friend to the Squid:
I need to find a replacement for this hand I lost. I also need to get Mohammed to stop making Luke Skywalker jokes about my missing hand. I also should find some less dangerous friends. If, y'know, you can even call them that.
Resolutions of the Trael, friend, neighbor and confidant to the Squid:
I'm starting middle school this year in the fall. I gotta watch my back in there. And, no more monkeys. Monkeys isn't funny, they just bad.
Resolutions of Molly Reynolds, associate and sometimes-enemy of the Squid:
I resolve to find a new thing to do with my life, since my last three careers went totally up in flames. I'm going to get out more, too, and meet new people. Date. That's the word for it. I'm going to go out and date more people. Considering my past dating luck,I think I'll probably date women or robots or something. Oh god. Did that sound desperate? Did that sound whorish? Christ. I'm a desperate whore. Yeah, the men will come running now. I'm finally going to change the oil in my VW bug.
Resolutions of Ivan, associate and lazy Russian to the Squid:
I am tempted to make some sort of joke about being too lazy to write a resolution, but why bother?
Resolutions of Devo, associate, former employee and world-class mechanic to the Squid:
I'd like to find a healthy relationship with a guy who isn't full of daddy-issues or religious hang-ups. I also resolve to spend more time at the gym.
Resolutions of Mohammed, associate and fellow adventurer to the Squid:
Yo, I suppose I should go to class more and finish up high school. I don't want to do that GED thang. I'm gonna write some tight lyrics, too, and start my career. Muslim rap is gonna be the next big thing. For real.
Resolutions of the Leeks, accountant to the squid:
There were times in this past year when I snuck out of the office an hour early. I felt guilty when I did it, but I'm glad I did. I should work less. I also resolve to make fewer bookkeeping errors.
Resolutions of the Jarwaun, brother to Trael, friend and neighbor to the Squid:
Friend? We ain't friends. Get the fuck outta my face.
Resolutions of the Hazel, former beloved and current Lake-Huron-dwelling-cyborg-merthing-bloodcrazed-monster to the Squid:
My skin is all charred from where that goddamned monster desecrated me, instead of living me decently dead and alone. And you have the nerve to ask me what my "New Year's Resolutions" are? Here's one for ya, hon: I'm resolvin' to stop being such a pushover, never take shit from anyone ever again and hurt lots of folks in 2007. You like sailin'? I wouldn't go sailin' no more if I were you. Also, I'm gonna finish reading that Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus book. Also, I'm going to throw out every Dr. Phil book I touch; that sonofabitch doesn't know a thing. God, but I am hungry right now.
Resolutions of the Erik Garner Warren, chief sub-editor to the Giant Squid:
I'm going to write a little more, both for the Almanac(k) and the Newswire. I feel like I've been sitting on my ass for two years and doing nothing. I'm going to masturbate more, and eat more sweets, and stop going to the gym. I want to stop reading books, as I'm starting to suspect they are a waste of time. I'm going to nail the UPS delivery boy — not the fat black man that we get intermittently, but the slim Indian kid who usually comes. I had a dream about him . . . I don't think it's legal for me to give details about the dream I had, not were a minor child might come across it. OK, you twisted my arm, so I'll give you a clue: surgical tubing and talcum.
Resolutions of the George the Double-Yew Bush, once-again-president of these United States of America and former advisor to the Squid:
I'm gonna read me a couple more Shakespeares. Maybe one of them where there's all sortsa ladies dressin' up like fellas. Also, more of that stuff that Erik was talking about. He's alright. Heh heh heh. I'm gonna stay the course, and bring victory in Iraq. We're gonna stay there, saving them Iraqis until we win and then we can come home.
Resolutions of the Sang, blood enemy of the Squid:
A Happy New Year, to Kimbot and to all.
Your Giant Squid
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Copyright (c) 2000, 2004, David Erik Nelson, Fritz Swanson, Morgan Johnson