From: email@example.comWarner Bros Studio
Subject: WARNER BROS STUDIO EMAIL NOTIFICATION
Date: November 7, 2004 5:06:36 PM EST
This email notification certifies that you have been selected via email to apply and participate as an "Act" in the induction, casting and making of "SUPERMAN THE MOVIE " which will be In Theaters by july 2006. This selection is organised by director Bryan Singer, Andrew Stanton and John Woo in the bid to create original characters for the casts Starring: Anthony Hopkins.
We will acknowledge your altruistic effort and appreciate your recognition. Selection of applicants and first shots of "SUPERMAN V" will hold in three locations which includes Spain, London and Grecce. We expect your early attendance. You are henceforth required to send your application to be processed before 20th November 2004. You are required to send in your CV msword format and include :
NOTE: Failure to oblige will result to cancellation of your application . All applicants will recieve a mail notification and a telephone interview after your application as been approved.
REF NUMBER: 03814/17/QG BATCH NUMBER: 09726-14.
Warner Bros Studios,
My affection for and interest in participating in a real-life Hollywood celluloid production having been well established, you doubtless appreciate the great excitement with which I greeted your missive électronique when it was printed and presented for my perusal by Rob, my lab assistant, erstwhile campaign advisor, and standing Secretary of Funk (a title of his own devising; as my olfactory organs do not function in what you would believe to be the conventional manner, I cannot of the first-hand confirm this, although my observations of Rob's interactions with his co-workers, their bodily language and the extended personal-space distance they insist upon when in his presence, leaves little doubt that his funk is indeed supreme.)
Unfortunately, Rob informs me that principal photography for your telefilmic endeavor will to begin in the Australiopithecine continent early in the next year. Unfortunately, I am possessed of a prior engagement, having just been elected the President Lord High Ruler of these United States and to be inaugurated and crowned such on the 20th of Jannesari. As such, I will be unable to appear in your filmic endeavor.
Of course, this scheduling conflict fills me with the sadness, as I was very fond of the Cyborg Christ of the Reavers, even in the latter parts of his career when his robotic husk did fall into such disrepair— although I am one who can much appreciate the trials and tribulations of assistive technology failures, so perhaps my affection for Christ of Reavers was a special affection, born of similar species of despair and hardship, matted in the cold, moist dawn of a monstrous back-alleyed rape, the sickly, heartbreaking and -broken spawn of the love that dare not speak her brother's name.
But I am digression incarnate; he cheered me, and was that not sufficient? To honor him and his now forever dim and electronless non-volatile memory by appearing in yet another iteration of the Superbman Saga would be like and unto the very least I could do to pay homage to this Prince Among Mechano-men.
So, with heavy hearts, I do decline your kind offer. As you have been non-responsive at the above address, I shall post this missive for your receipt on my Poor Mojo's Almanac(k), of which I presume you are an avid and faithful reader.
I look forward to peaceful relations with and fealty from your several nations of Spain, Londone and Grecce, now and in the future.
Your Giant Squid
Architeuthis Rex Mundi
and President Elect
of the United States of America
Love the Giant Squid? Buy his first book.
Share on Facebook
Tweet about this Piece
Poor Mojo's Tip Jar: