Poor Mojo's Almanac(k) Classics (2000-2011)
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Squid #105
(published October 24, 2002)
Ask The Giant Squid: "Almanac(k)" Indeed! (An Almanac Item)
Who is Poor Mojo's Giant Squid?
A matter vexes me, Gentle Readers, vexes me greatly. For such, I shall devote no time in this week's column to the answering of questions (and worry not, Worried in Hoboken, I shall soon answer your missive!), in order to finally set to rights a thorn which has been lodged into my side for this many two years. Specifically, the matter is this (to quote Rob): "What the fuck is up with this 'almanack' shit!" Indeed, Rob; what the fuck? For, I find, this "almanac(k)" is no almanac at all! Even a cursory search on the matter has produced several different definitions, all differentiated and yet akin. For example:

Almanac Al"ma*nac, n. [LL. almanac, almanach: cf. F. almanach, Sp. almanaque, It. almanacco, all of uncertain origin.] A book or table, containing a calendar of days, and months, to which astronomical data and various statistics are often added, such as the times of the rising and setting of the sun and moon, eclipses, hours of full tide, stated festivals of churches, terms of courts, etc.

And consider:

almanac n 1: an annual publication including weather forecasts and other miscellaneous information arranged according to the calendar of a given year [syn: {farmer's calendar}] 2: an annual publication containing tabular information in a particular field or fields arranged according to the calendar of a given year

Or perhaps:

{Nautical almanac}, an almanac, or year book, containing astronomical calculations (lunar, stellar, etc.), and other information useful to mariners.

What note we here, of consistency? Well, firstly, that all are in accord in a matter of publication: an Almanac is a yearly book, while this fair publication is quite clearly— boisterously, in fact— a weekly presentation.

Further, an almanac true would wish to express and offer much more than simple entertainments— the very raison d'etre of this fine journal— but also seeks to edify and enlighten with a variety of tables and charts, with indications and predictions terrestrial, astral and maritime. To be as free as a frenchman in speaking the matter, an almanac is truly, in its heart, to always be a thing grand and striding and diverse, its many leaves embracing the world, not unlike a great terribly Venusian Flying Trap, devouring all which may make the error of coming to rest within its hair-triggered mouth.

At best, this "Poor" Mojo's Almanac(k) is some form of pitcher plant, and at worst a stinkhorn, drawing readers nigh with its putrescence and general melange of rotting meat and home-spun failure.

But, to the side these things are, for even if the fair editors of this magazine choose to do nought to correct their fallings and failures— they being gentle-monkeys who, in my estimation, lack the wisdom to urinate upon themselves when their pants are a-flame— I, still yet, might choose to attempt to, in the least, set the vaster omissions of this "almanac" a right, and shall henceforth, upon occasion, produce and publish the tables, calculations and trivia (both mundane and ethereal) which have heretofore been lacking.

Thusly, for our very first installment, please find attached below a chart indicated the daily scapegoats for the month of November. Please print a copy of said chart and post it prominently in home and workplace. Each day indicates the appropriate scapegoat for that 24-hour period. Hence, for example, if the milk of your refrigerator is permitted to spoil on November the 22, then you need only briefly glimpse the chart afore hollering "Damn thee to fiery Hell, Jerry Lewis, for bringing curdling to this home!" Or, for an example differente, if you are cut-the-off whilst driving on November the 11, then but a glance at this simple chart reveals what we already know: This traffic indiscression was doubtless the fault of male homosexuality, in all its colored plumage.

So, please to enjoy my humble offerings as your one and true almanaceur.

I Thus Remain,
Your Giant Squid

November- Scapegoats
SuMTuWThFSa
1.
Israel
2.
The Economy
3.
Paganism
4.
Internet Musical File Trading
5.
The Beltway Sniper
6.
Pork
7.
The Young
8.
Lucille Ball
9.
The Zionist Occupational Government
10.
Sexual Indiscretions of the Young
11.
male homosexuality
12.
female homosexuality
13.
closeted homosexuality
14.
open homosexuality
15.
The Ancient Grecians
16.
The United States Military
17.
George DoubleYour Bush
18.
Penis Cheney
19.
Male Pattern Baldness
20.
Too Great a Volume of Alcohol
21.
Too Small a Volume of Alcohol
22.
Jerry Lewis
23.
Jerry Lee Lewis
24.
Fritz Holling
25.
Fritz Lang
26.
Fritz Swanson
27.
Fritz Kuhn
28.
Fritz Walter
29.
Deep Fritz
30.
Fritz Creek, Alaska

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