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Rant #324
(published April 5, 2007)
Rules of Civility & Decent Behaviour In Company and Conversation: a Book of Etiquette, Abridged
by the Giant Squid
#7. To strike quickly, and kill your prey silently is the height of mercy.

#5. Do not clean your razor-sharp beak with the bones of your latest meal in front of the meal's next of kin. This is consider gauche rather than louche.

#13. Whilst dining in another's domicile, take your meat as they take theirs; e.g. among the Cubans eat of the long-pig roasted, among the Nipponese taste of the savor raw, in amongst Good Middle-Class Americanerros accept your cow ground, grilled and prionic, amongst san franciscan monks partake of the noble tofanimals fried, and mixed among the noodles with the sauce of the peas' nuts, etc.

#23. Inking while in danger or frightened is expected (is, in fact, the very raison d'être of our ink-sacs); inking when socially nervous or while mating is the very depth of rudeness. (Proviso: In the case that one's rutt-mate does demand and inking-upon-climax, this is then acceptable — provided all parties do consent. It is termed the "Inky Sanchez," and is well beloved in both Old and New Mexico.)

#24. When meeting a potential mate's parents and/or offspring, it is never acceptable to ink in their presence, even while endangered or affrighted. If inking appears to be imminent, then excuse yourself briefly afore entering the domicile and, in seclusion, leap about vigorously in order to expel all of your ink. (Unless, as above, the matter is demanded by the host. But, of course, if it is the case that your rutt-mate's bloodkin consent to — and even demand — this "Inky Sanchez Por Supuesto Beber y Bailar ¡Excelente!", be aware: they may be "New Mexican Singers." Little but misery can come of such arrangements of the heart.)

#33. Politics is a vicious, treacherous kingdom ruled by savage animals and bereft of succor. As such, it is uniquely suited to our race.

#37. Remember: when engaging with humans, we often appear to be monstrous, under-dressed and immensely over-educated, bot unlike Swedes.

#38. While the clothes do make the man, it is the accessories that make the squid, and diamonds which are a girl's best friend.

#55. Use of the turn signals is mandatory. Failure of the use of the turn signals is forfeiture of one's bodily integrity. So it is written, and so it shall be done.

#63. In nigh unto all board games and parlor entertainments, play proceeds clockwise (i.e., to the dexter.) So it is written, and so it shall be done.

#75. In the publick one should never spit his sputum, nor hack his loogies, nor extract any matter from any orifice. In private one should never declaim, protest, or issue public policy statements.

#76. Never pleasure oneself on statuary, regardless of ownership.

#78. Although it is common behavior, it should be considered both discourteous and foolish to legislate solutions to simple social problems.

#79. Although highly tempting for its expedience, it is the height of folly to seek social solutions to legislative problems.

#88. The following forks are superfluous in that they are supernumerary: the salad fork, the shrimp's fork, the serving fork, the salsa fork, the big south fork, the entree fork, the desert fork, the pastry fork, the pasta fork, the pitch fork, the other pitch fork, the monofork, the bi-fork, the griller's fork, and any form of spork or metaspork. This list should not be construed to encompass either the knork nor the splayd.

#97. Peel back the many layers of your victim's flesh and fatty tissue; in some cultures, it is customary to hide beads or trinkets within these bloody spaces. In our culture, it is how kings are chosen.

#101. In all business dealings, it is best to recall that, for the greater part, there are two types of people: teriyaki and original.

#180. If the spawn and progeny of your host are inferior, clumsy or rude it is unacceptable to beat or devour them. It is acceptable to come to them in the night and whisper night-terrors whilst making threatening gestures in the shadows. Fear and injury are the greatest instructors.

#181. If the spawn and progeny of your home-guests are malformed, possessed of low-intelligence or are grunting mudpigs, you have every right to scold them, beat them, or have them surgically altered. As your house is their house, it does logically follow that their children are your children. Nonetheless, it is still inappropriate to devour their children without offering appropriate and market-value remuneration.

#182. When travelling, leave your children at home. You never know what your host will be like.

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