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Rant #323
(published March 29, 2007)
Rules of Civility & Decent Behavior In Company and Conversation: a Book of Etiquette, Abridged
by George W. Bush
3. Don't smack a lady's rear (or rub her shoulders unless she asked — added July 2006)

8. Shoes. Always wear shoes.

10. Dinosaurs are awesome, everyone loves dinosaurs. If you ever need somethin' to talk about at a party you can mention dinosaurs.

22. If there's a fire where you're at, and there's some meat in front of it, just take a little piece; show you got a good sense of hospitality.

23. When somebody buys you lunch, talk a lot about how great it is that they bought you lunch. Tell your friends and their friends, and also the press.

24. It's important to save the environment, so you should go jogging as much as you can. I like to drive to a pretty and secluded mountainous area with my entourage and go jogging. I'm saving the environment.

100. Government is bad. If you make it worse, no one will want any. Making stuff worser might make stuff better. Like breaking dishes when your wife asks you to wash 'em.

212. Everyone needs a nickname, or else they'll feel left out. "Kentucky Fax Machine" is a good one.

223. Wear dark pants and jackets.

224. Wear bright ties.

225. Comfortable shoes are hard to come by, if you find a pair that fit right you should go back and buy more.

267. It is the prerogative of the executive to make decisions. I'm the decider.

300. Don't laugh or cheer when you're eating a pretzel.

323. Black guys are awesome.

342. In a formal dinner there is a right time for fart jokes and a wrong time. Right times include: before dinner, before the aperitif, after the aperitif, between the salad and soup, before the main service, during toasts, under your breath while others are speaking, as puns while passing dishes, after the meal, while in the desert-line, while choosing chocolate deserts, after desert, before cigars, over cigars, after cigars, in the hall, or at any time while in a men's or ladies' room.

361. You can tell who your friends are by what they tell you. Those who tell you things that you agree with are your friends. If people criticize you or argue, well, those are enemies.

362. Keep a list of your enemies.

365. The friends you have when you're twelve are the best friends you'll have in your entire life. Always appoint them to positions of responsibility, so you can show everyone what a good friend you are.

366. If you got the chance to check out a dead body, you should always check it out.

420. If you're out doing stuff and you discover you didn't put on any undershorts, don't panic and don't tell no one. Just let it go.

444. When reading to children, you should never ever stop reading. Once you start, you're in it for the long haul. Stay the course.

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Rules of Civility & Decent Behaviour In Company and Conversation: a Book of Etiquette, Abridged
by the Giant Squid

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Rules of Civility & Decent Behaviour in Company and Conversation: a Book of Etiquette
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by lolly@biperson.com (annotations by the PMjA Staff)

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by Fritz Swanson

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