Could you provide a little information for me? Where are the best places these days to buy printers? Mine passed away, after eight years of service, very noisily this afternoon. It's been a while since I've been in the market. Good websites and company names would be very helpful. I'm looking for IBM compatibles.

Thank You,
Paul Graham
Ann Arbor, MI

Dear Paul of Michigan,

What are you thinking? I live in a tank of water pressurized to 2,000 pounds per square inch— such pressure would crush a puny surface printer as my massive tentacles might crush your insignificant simian cranium. And, although your question did not ask this, I would suggest that all humans wear helmets for just this reason. Skulls like the eggs of sea turtles, I swear.

Honestly, how is it that you are masters of this earth... sigh... It is simply more than my cephalopodic brain can possibly fathom.

My printer was built especially for my in a joint Atlantean Crystal Priest/Hewlett-Packard venture sponsored by the RAND corporation. Therefore, I am unable to make a statement about any publicly available models.

In all fairness, Paul—as you see, I strive to answer all of my petitioners—I cornered those who feed me and provide me with seals to snack upon for their opinions on which printers to acquire. After the first accident, I didn't squeeze so hard. That's a joke, Paul, I always squeeze hard. While their precious oxygen slid from their lungs they managed to gasp the following statements: "I've always thought that the Hewlett-Packard DeskJet 540C was a superior printer, affordable and reliable— a definite must buy for the home office," claimed one. I was amazed at how much the human could say before his little monkey skull imploded. The second told me this: "Advanced-level home users and small-office users are the target markets for Lexmark International's latest addition to its Z series of color ink jet printers. The Lexmark Z52 Color Jetprinter ($180 street) has a maximum resolution of 2,400 by 1,200 dpi. And like its predecessor, the Z51 ($150 street), the Z52—" and then the cleansing water coursed into his brain pan, like the tidal flow through the Bikini atoll. The third said the following: "Please, Lord, don't let me die— I've never seen Paris. I'm not even supposed to be here today."

Finally, Paul: Do not mock the Giant Squid. Never mock the Giant Squid, Paul. Never.