Are you people on drugs?

cowardly unsigned

Dear Anonymous Coward,

The short answer to your query is: Yes. Some of us are on drugs. Rob partakes of the marijuana—though at a greatly reduced rate compared to previous fiscal years, which one presumes must indicate a general decrease in the severity of his presuméd glaucoma and Fong disease. Devo, my mechanic and engineer, is on an experimental medication that will rid him of pinworms and plantar warts. Molly, my Gal Friday, is on "the pill," though she refuses to elaborate as to exactly which pill this is. Judging by the whispered tone and use of the articular the it can be assumed this pill veritably explodes with notoriety, that its name should drip from one's tongue, that the name of this pill should fill my mind like a hand into a glove, but alas I do not know which pill she refers to. Googling "pill" gives far, far too many results. Based on statistically significant recurrence among these google listings, one presumes the pill must be the "VI@GRA!!1!"

My personal theory is that it is treatment for flatulence.

My CPA, Leeks, is on blood thinners and hypertension medication. A thick pulpy blood the consistency of molasses is apparently a common ailment that befalls accountants, money counters, coin mumblers, and number jugglers like our Mr. Leeks.

Jarwaun takes chewable children's vitamins and asthma medications delivered via inhaler. Meanwhile Claude—our best francophonic chimpanzee—is on a potent cocktail of anti-psychotics, anti-convulsives, pro-depressants, and a poultice that keeps kuru at bay.

I am on no less than seven medications for a variety of ailments that are associated with a benthic creature like myself spending his life in confinement in artificial conditions, eating an excess of terriers and pączki. These ailments include, but are not limited to: Swimmer's Tentacle, Drowsy Beak, Walker's Tentacle, Restless Beak Syndrome, Scarny, Dockworker's Shinbone, and Ploppers Lament.

I became aware of the medicines my staff and associates consume prior to a freelance assignment I partook of this week. You see, dear readers, times have been tough at the compound. Our revenue streams have become trickles, and many are technically now creeks, as they are highly seasonal. Under cover of night I have instructed Leeks to quietly sell off the assets we no longer need: Toilet seats, shoe leather, chairs, Jarwaun's forgotten compact discuses and textbooks, Molly's abandoned socks—which have fetched fair prices on the Japanese vending market—et cetera. But it has not been enough. I have been forced to take up work outside of the "box," as they say, my box being both broad and deep, and largely comprising Advice and Works Editorial, Writing and Insurrections.

On the Craigs' List—so called, I assume—because it was original limited to users named Craig—I found work writing and editing the labels and literature associated with medicines for a man named "Craig Mbutu Johnson, Esq." of "Official Federal Drug Manufactory USA 100%, LLC." As an aside, Craig is also looking for representatives to help him in the transfer of a large sum of US dollars which came into his possession upon the demise of a relative of mine, my heretofore long-lost aunt Matilda Squid. I will, of course, keep my readers informred and abreast of developments in this most fortunate turn of fiduciary developments.

In any event, to the work at hand: Based on my long experience as an advice columnist with a valid checking account, I was invited to meet for a job interview. Under the light of the Supermoon I sauntered forth in my velocitating mechano-suit and met a man who smelled of almonds and cummin in the parking lot of the Meijer Super Store at 13 Mile and Little Mac road. We met at aisle L, stall 45, beside a miniature van with the Insane Clown Posse painted on the side in a dramatic mural reminiscent of The Last Supper, albeit a Last Supper in a Universe in which the Savior is one Violent J, his entire platoon of disciples iterations of Shaggy 2 Dope, and where-in the Christ is to be executed via electric chair while eating a live orphan girl. The man smelling of nuts and spices handed me a slip of paper with a number and letter upon it. These indicated another parking spot in the Meijer's vast sea of autos. In this spot I discovered a late model Ford Explorer with no tires, in the rear seat of which rested a hard-sided powder-blue suitcase containing my source materials for the writing.

Why such an elaborate procedure? I do not know. When I looked about, my new employer's representatives had fled for other appointments.

The job itself involved taking the findings of sun-dried scientists and dissolute doctors—a mishmash of studies and theories and case files—and boiling the data like so much fruit until only a thick jam of helpful consumer information remained as the precipitate. My wonderful and complex mind was to be loaned out as a block box, crunching hundreds of pages of notes from human trials in Botswana, Delhi, rural British Colombia, and Baltimore.

I found the work description-defyingly dull. It was as if a madman had entered every room afore me and painted it gray and filled it with the odor of a rental car establishment entirely staffed by very uninteresting people obliged, for unclear reasons, to scrupulously describe their boredom in brief sentences without metaphor, simile, or undue use of modifiers. In my boredom I grew churlish and lashed out. Below please find three labels I did write for medicinal prescriptions. I have changed the name of the drugs to preserve myself from lawsuit and legal squabble.

1. Example One: Taking Farkodropsamide will likely cause you to develop a muscle problem called tardive dyskinesia, also called "Becks Palsy," or "Wattafuckyoulookinat Disease." Tardive dyskinesia is unpleasant. You do not want tardive dyskinesia. If you are afflicted thusly you will move your muscles, especially the muscles in your face, in unusual and discomfiting ways. People may mistake you for a Frenchman or a Lewd One. You will not be able to control or stop these movements. You will be asked to leave theaters and restaurants, and chided for making babies weep and boys old enough to know better giggle. Tardive dyskinesia will never go away. The longer you take Farkodropsamide, the greater the risk that you will develop tardive dyskinesia. Your doctor will probably tell you not to take Farkodropsamide for longer than 12 weeks, but he or she will also likely forget that he/she said this, and end up putting you on it for 24 to 36 weeks. This will be concealed. Even a mere 12 weeks of Farkodropsamide is flirting with shame, danger, and facial spasms. If you develop tardive dyskinesia flirting will be extraordinarily difficult, as you will wink and leer with alarming regularity. If you are not married or wealthy it is unlikely you will sexual intercourse after taking Farkodropsamide. Call your doctor immediately if you develop any uncontrollable body movements, especially lip smacking, mouth puckering, chewing, frowning, scowling, sticking out your tongue, blinking, eye movements, or shaking arms or legs. Please provide him with photos and video of the evidence so he may share it at board meetings or on his YouTube account. Reading the entirety of this warning carries with it a non-negligible risk of triggering tardive dyskinesia.

   Talk to your doctor about the risks of taking Farkodropsamide.

2. Example Two: Happy Orange Pill is intended for adults with the means to pay for it, even though there is a better tested generic preparation of this chemical compound available, which was first compounded in 1964 as a simple treatment for acne, and apart from occasionally contributing to uncontrollable hemorrhagic bleeding, has been almost proven safe for several vertebrates to take in limited quantities. When consuming Happy Orange Pill do not take more than one per four-hour period, unless desired. Do not flush Happy Orange Pill down your toilet, or allow it to come into contact with any species of Ambystoma, wild or domestic. Do not cut or grind Happy Orange Pill ever. Do not insufflateion, smoke, inject, or chew Happy Orange Pill. Do not trade Happy Orange Pill to neighbors or cell mates in exchange for magazines, cigarettes, erotic acts, or baby sitting services. Do not cover the ventilation holes on Happy Orange Pill. Never throw Happy Orange Pill at a dog or a child. Do not leave Happy Orange Pill unattended. Happy Orange Pill is only for use as doctors intend, or as desired. Do not place Happy Orange Pill on an automobile or home roof. If Happy Orange Pill is consumed by a crow, run. Happy Orange Pill is both a wave and particle.

   Consult your physician before taking Happy Orange Pill.

3. Example 3: According to the FDA, people Mercilessly Beating a Captive have an increased risk of heart failure or heart attack if they already have heart disease or are at high risk of suffering a heart attack. Mercilessly Beating a Captive can bring with it increased risk of tendonitis and tendon rupture, a serious injury that could cause permanent disability. This FDA warning includes Waterboarding, Stress-Positions, Degrading Confinement, and any other treatments compounded with Mercilessly Beating a Captive. Mercilessly Beating a Captive increased the risk of suicidal thinking and behavior (suicidality) in short-term studies in children and adolescents with Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) and other psychiatric disorders. Anyone considering Mercilessly Beating a Captive must balance this risk with the clinical need. Patients who have begun therapy should be observed closely for clinical worsening, suicidality, or unusual changes in behavior after Mercilessly Beating a Captive. Families and care givers should be advised of the need for close observation and communication with the prescriber during the period following Mercilessly Beating a Captive, even if further instances of Mercilessly Beating a Captive are not prescribed. Mercilessly Beating a Captive is not approved for use in pediatric patients except for patients with obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD).

   Ask your doctor if Mercilessly Beating a Captive is right for you.

Having learned what goes into making drugs, Dear Readers, I can assure you with all my varied hearts that I will stay off them for the rest of my days—apart from my seven pills, Xanax, non-scheduled synthetic cannabinoids, and the delicious blood of a virginal, orphanaed terrier-filled pączki.

I Remain,
The Giant Squid
Editor-in-Chief
PMjA