Oh damn! Halloween is fast approaching, and I haven't got shit planned for a costume! HELP!

Thanks,
OMFG!

My Dearest Readers,

In these limp and disspirited economic times, many of your fellow Americaneros have had to "tighten the belts"—an ironic dysphemism, since increased imbibing of fermented wheats, anxiety eating, and the need to maximize calories-per-cent tends to mean that, in these United States, a diminished paycheck brings the concomitant loosening of the belt, rather than tightening, as well as the constricting of the heart and other vital organs by adipose tissue fats, and the inevitable demise from hypertension, acute myocardial infarction, or teenaged thrill-kill gang. In point of fact, I did happen to overhear my teenaged typist, Jarwaun, and his young brother, Trael, bickering on the very matter. As it seems, their "Pops" has suffered a reduction in work hours, necessitating a "tight budget" on Hallow's Eve preperation expenses. The course of their debate came to reveal that the "tight budget" was, in fact, a complete elimination of the "Hallow's Eve-Costuming and Incidentals" line item, and that no expenditpures on such materials could be approved for Fiscal Year 2010-11. Trael rebutted this revelation by pointing out that one makes money of Hallow's Eve, because of the profitability inherent in collecting treats free of charge, and also that no one ever does that which is important to him, even though he consistently performs at the hightest percentile in his class, and he wishes Mom wasn't gone. He completed this rebuttle by leaking fluid from the ducts at the inner corners of his eyes—which he insisted were not tears of anguish or sadness, but rather "hay fever, dumbass!" and then stomped forth from my lab with a quickness. Jarwaun recieved this reubuttal with aplomb, then shook his head, and loudly insisted that all would be well, as he had a plan.

In the interest of serving not only these—my dear friends, compatriots, and relatively competent employees—but also the larger audience of budget-conscious customers, I offer the following list of 43 cost-effective costumes for these recessionary times. Each might easily be constructed from items from about the home or office, with minimal outlay of precious time or additional funds. Please, enjoy, and be sure to check all treats carefully for pins, needles, tampering, high fructose corn syrup, dextrose, xanthan gum, or other mortal adulterants.

1. Human centipede (oh damn, don't look at this link, either!—Jarwaun)
2. Human millipede
3. Human quadrupede
4. Human Ganymede
5. Sexy hobo
6. Sexy welfare recipient
7. Sexy underemployed worker
8. Sexy human centipede
9. Sexy Barack Obama
10. Human Barack Obama
11. Discouraged worker
12. Disenchanted voter
13. Man on the street
14. Sexy man on the street
15. Zombie
16. Sexy zombie
17. Human zombie
18. Human zombipede
19. Sexy BP Oil Spill
20. Scary Accountant
21. Scary Janitor
22. Scary Marine Biologist
23. Sexy Stapler
24. Scary Stapler
25. Invasive Asian Carp
26. Sexy Invasive Asian Carp
27. Congressional Aide
28. Human Congressional Aide
29. Armed Forces Recruitment Officer
30. Waif-Desperate-For-Candy
31. Food Desert
32. Inflation
33. Sexy Inflation
34. Human Inflation
35. Humorous Mortgage Fraud
36. Tomato Soup made from ketchup packets stolen from gas station
37. Reusing Toiletries
38. Sexy Glenn Beck
39. Human Ann Coulter
40. Sexy Public Transit
41. Scary Commuter
42. Blogger
43. Sexy-scary unemployable Tea-Bag blogging invasive commuter zombiepede

Spookily I Remain,
Your Giant Squid
Editor-in-Chief
PMjA

P.S. This is Jarwaun, Mr. Squid's typist. He's right that we ain't got spare money for costumes this year, but we ain't doin' none of the crazy he's got on his list. Trael still got them monkey ears I sewed for him in Home Ec last year, and I got my yellow jeans and jacket and this yellow cap, and we get mad-crazy treats all through the neighborhoods and at the Rec and Ed and everything when we do Curious George and Man in the Yellow Hat. People all be digging on the cute, know what I'm sayin'? Also, Pops says we shouldn't spend so much time around Mr. Squid, on account of Mr. Squid giving all that money to the crazy politicians, and also the court order, but I think that'd make Mr. Squid pretty sad, since he still ain't never beat Trael at checkers even once, and also because he pays better than McDonald's or Walgreens, and we need the money. Also, the bus come right past here, which is good, since it's getting mad cold and rainy to be riding bikes all over. Peace.