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Squid #510
(published October 28, 2010)
Ask the Giant Squid: 43 Costume Ideas for Recessionary Times
Who is Poor Mojo's Giant Squid?
Dear Giant Squid,

Oh damn! Halloween is fast approaching, and I haven't got shit planned for a costume! HELP!


My Dearest Readers,

In these limp and disspirited economic times, many of your fellow Americaneros have had to "tighten the belts"—an ironic dysphemism, since increased imbibing of fermented wheats, anxiety eating, and the need to maximize calories-per-cent tends to mean that, in these United States, a diminished paycheck brings the concomitant loosening of the belt, rather than tightening, as well as the constricting of the heart and other vital organs by adipose tissue fats, and the inevitable demise from hypertension, acute myocardial infarction, or teenaged thrill-kill gang. In point of fact, I did happen to overhear my teenaged typist, Jarwaun, and his young brother, Trael, bickering on the very matter. As it seems, their "Pops" has suffered a reduction in work hours, necessitating a "tight budget" on Hallow's Eve preperation expenses. The course of their debate came to reveal that the "tight budget" was, in fact, a complete elimination of the "Hallow's Eve-Costuming and Incidentals" line item, and that no expenditpures on such materials could be approved for Fiscal Year 2010-11. Trael rebutted this revelation by pointing out that one makes money of Hallow's Eve, because of the profitability inherent in collecting treats free of charge, and also that no one ever does that which is important to him, even though he consistently performs at the hightest percentile in his class, and he wishes Mom wasn't gone. He completed this rebuttle by leaking fluid from the ducts at the inner corners of his eyes—which he insisted were not tears of anguish or sadness, but rather "hay fever, dumbass!" and then stomped forth from my lab with a quickness. Jarwaun recieved this reubuttal with aplomb, then shook his head, and loudly insisted that all would be well, as he had a plan.

In the interest of serving not only these—my dear friends, compatriots, and relatively competent employees—but also the larger audience of budget-conscious customers, I offer the following list of 43 cost-effective costumes for these recessionary times. Each might easily be constructed from items from about the home or office, with minimal outlay of precious time or additional funds. Please, enjoy, and be sure to check all treats carefully for pins, needles, tampering, high fructose corn syrup, dextrose, xanthan gum, or other mortal adulterants.

  1. Human centipede (oh damn, don't look at this link, either!—Jarwaun)
  2. Human millipede
  3. Human quadrupede
  4. Human Ganymede
  5. Sexy hobo
  6. Sexy welfare recipient
  7. Sexy underemployed worker
  8. Sexy human centipede
  9. Sexy Barack Obama
  10. Human Barack Obama
  11. Discouraged worker
  12. Disenchanted voter
  13. Man on the street
  14. Sexy man on the street
  15. Zombie
  16. Sexy zombie
  17. Human zombie
  18. Human zombipede
  19. Sexy BP Oil Spill
  20. Scary Accountant
  21. Scary Janitor
  22. Scary Marine Biologist
  23. Sexy Stapler
  24. Scary Stapler
  25. Invasive Asian Carp
  26. Sexy Invasive Asian Carp
  27. Congressional Aide
  28. Human Congressional Aide
  29. Armed Forces Recruitment Officer
  30. Waif-Desperate-For-Candy
  31. Food Desert
  32. Inflation
  33. Sexy Inflation
  34. Human Inflation
  35. Humorous Mortgage Fraud
  36. Tomato Soup made from ketchup packets stolen from gas station
  37. Reusing Toiletries
  38. Sexy Glenn Beck
  39. Human Ann Coulter
  40. Sexy Public Transit
  41. Scary Commuter
  42. Blogger
  43. Sexy-scary unemployable Tea-Bag blogging invasive commuter zombiepede

Spookily I Remain,
Your Giant Squid

P.S. This is Jarwaun, Mr. Squid's typist. He's right that we ain't got spare money for costumes this year, but we ain't doin' none of the crazy he's got on his list. Trael still got them monkey ears I sewed for him in Home Ec last year, and I got my yellow jeans and jacket and this yellow cap, and we get mad-crazy treats all through the neighborhoods and at the Rec and Ed and everything when we do Curious George and Man in the Yellow Hat. People all be digging on the cute, know what I'm sayin'? Also, Pops says we shouldn't spend so much time around Mr. Squid, on account of Mr. Squid giving all that money to the crazy politicians, and also the court order, but I think that'd make Mr. Squid pretty sad, since he still ain't never beat Trael at checkers even once, and also because he pays better than McDonald's or Walgreens, and we need the money. Also, the bus come right past here, which is good, since it's getting mad cold and rainy to be riding bikes all over. Peace.

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see other pieces by this author | Who is Poor Mojo's Giant Squid? Read his blog posts and enjoy his anthem (and the post-ironic mid-1990s Japanese cover of same)

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