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Squid #356
(published November 15, 2007)
Ask the Giant Squid: I am Seagull, hear me SQUAWK!
Who is Poor Mojo's Giant Squid?
Dear Giant Squid,

SQWAAAK! I am seagull.

I have an unusual diet. I eat bugs and pick through garbage for food. Sometimes I swoop down and steal food right from the barbecue or beach.

SQWAAAK! Most people hate me and think I am a pest. What can I do to make others like me? I hear too much "damn seagull", and not enough "pretty bird." Please help. I think I am pretty.

Seagull Bird

Dear Seagull,

You face an uphill battle, my greasy-enfeathered correspondent. Much like the pigeon, the houserat, the jellyfish, and the thievious raccoon, you are perceived, by-and-large, as a pest species. To the populace majeure, you are no better than an insect, and somewhat worse than actual litter.

Largely, their assessments are accurate. You have an unfortunate lot, dear bird.

I have consulted Molly, our resident female and office manager, on tips as to how you could become a "pretty bird." Molly — as Rob, my faithful lab-assistant, has oft elucidated — is a "hot mama" and supremely "bone-able"; she is possessed of a "flavor" one is best to "savor," and despite a marked lack of "cushion" — for she is much a devotee of the self-mortification via elliptical device — is well suited to the "pushin'." In the case that it has failed to go without saying, it is evident that Molly is attractive despite her treachery, plotting, shrill tongue, and appetite for violence. If there ever was an analog for the plight of the noble seabird, she is it.

Her advice is as follows:

Although Molly's advice is sound and reasonable, dear avian adventurer, I insist that you bear foremost in your tiny skull: You are more than your appearance. You occupy a unique role in nature, serving as the guardian of the great Triple-Point Border of Land, Sea and Sky. Seagulls are the ignored ambassadors of the world, impotent bordermasters, and indifferent air-traffic co-ordinators. Cherish this homelessness, this necessary displacement! You are the Jack of All Elements, and Master of None! You are Landstumbler. Skytumbler. Seaspaddler. Man mocks you out of jealousy, for what you do naturally he does with the aid of expensive and unreliable machinery.

You are better than these petty worries, Seagull. Also, you must cease to eat from garbage dumpsters. This is distasteful in the extreme.

A Native of the Sea,
I Remain,
The Giant Squid

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see other pieces by this author | Who is Poor Mojo's Giant Squid? Read his blog posts and enjoy his anthem (and the post-ironic mid-1990s Japanese cover of same)

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