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Squid #338
(published July 12, 2007)
Ask the Giant Squid: I Have Done My Fiddling So Long Under Vesuvius That I Have Almost Forgotten to Play
Who is Poor Mojo's Giant Squid?
Dear Giant Squid,

Why don't I have more fun?

Bernice Berrybaum

Dearest Bernice,

This question you pose is a difficult one. A puzzler, as they say on the National Socialized Radio Program of "Talking About Cars."

For you did not share any personal information, and indeed provided a pseudonymn for yourself.

I do not know how old you are. And yet mammals of differing ages find a wide array of activities enjoyable. This provides presenting a prescription for merriment confounding. The humammals of one to seven years enjoy gurgling, staring at lights, loud noises and pennies. They are the world's easiest audience, these. The grunt-chimpians of ages eight to twenty-four are known as "Tweenagers," and they refuse to find fun from any task, object or art. Instead they prefer the schadenfreuden of ruthlessly mocking the internet, lighting fireworks, and smoking. Even now they are inside of your domicile stealing of your dreams! A tweenager is impossible to entertain. DO NOT TRY!

From ages twenty-nine until fifty-three your typical human is concerned with bills, purchasing a home, finding a mate and having the procreative sex. They also become aware of a larger world and quickly become frightened of it. Humans at this age find enjoyment from nostalgia, reading news articles that confirm their opinions and thoughts, knitting, and taking naps. From ages fifty-nine to eighty-nine your typical senescent Homo Sapien gathers their enjoyment like teaspoons from the mouth of TS Eliot. They watch the game shows on the television. They garden—oh how humorous I find gardening to be in your terrible vacant upspace! And they enjoy long drives in their internal combustion vehicles, where they slowly but surely internally combust.

Which age group do you fit into, Bernice? Select a category and try out the methods I have sketched above.

If these fail to please, perhaps you are one of those statistically rare personas non carborundum who do not fit into approved categories of merryment and mirth.

Here then are suggestions for things that I and my lab-mates Rob, Molly, and Jarwaun find enjoyable on the InterTubes:

  1. We enjoy the MySpace, the YourSpace, and the OurSpace.
  2. There are many fine items of interest both intellectual and prurient to be found on blogs like this one.
  3. Rob enjoys the use of Bittorrent, which is a way to coalesce information out of the internet using a computer, a potato, a cup of water and hope. He enjoys the Demonoid.
  4. Molly subscribes to many RSS newsfeeds. She reads them all at her desk when she is supposed to be doing the work. She recommends the Sage reader plug-in for the FoxyFire browser.
  5. Molly also recommends the "Trolling of Forums" for hours of internet-based enjoyment. She creates ten or eleven user accounts on forums for topics towards which she feels great antipathy. Then she proceeds to issue forth poor arguments, "internet flame," and invective. For a primer on Trolling, see here.
  6. Jarwaun enjoys drawing on the computadora, and has found a website to punish us by drawing demonic likenesses of both myself and Rob and making them cavort for his amusement. The young know not how cruel they are.
I myself draw great satisfaction from the meditations most pure and invigorating, especially on the nature of the physical plane as it relates to the ethereal plane.

I hope these suggestions have been helpful, Bernice. And I hope that fun finds you again someday.

Until then,
I remain,
The Giant Squid

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see other pieces by this author | Who is Poor Mojo's Giant Squid? Read his blog posts and enjoy his anthem (and the post-ironic mid-1990s Japanese cover of same)

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