Dear Giant Squid,

OH

MY

GOD!!!

OhmyGOD!!! OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD!!!It's me, Randy, again— You remember how I wrote to you, like, two weeks ago about my crush on my trig teacher? Well, your advice wasn't all that helpful (it sorta seemed like you we're saying I oughta either gang rape her— which I'm totally not gonna do— or go and jerk it— which I was pretty much already totally doing— like, three times a day, sometimes even at school!)

Well, hold onto your hat, 'cause I was surfing around on the web last week and I found THIS! Holy Shit! THAT'S my math teacher! She's such a TOTAL BABE!!!

Does this change everything? Doesn't this change everything? WHAT SHOULD I DO!?!?!

In Totally Desperate Need,
Randy in Nevada

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Nevada Randy,

Of the first, I am generally chagrined that my earlier advice was of so little merit— I suppose I must agree that neither sexual assault nor onanism can truly begin to resolve that earlier conundrum. Clearly, I ignored many viable options, such as castration, alcoholism and transfer to a different school.

But, of course, all is much changed now. Let me be the first to say— if not already it has been said— that your educador trigonometrix is one heated tamale indeed. None can blame an impressionable, hormone soaked youth such as yourself for showing ample interest in such a fine female specimen. Her hunting tentacles are muscled and shapely, and her mammaries are nigh unto cyclopean (quite fit to feed anysuch earth walking god she may choose to whelp and nurture to slaughtering fit.)

Why, I would duly wager that she is veritably jam packed with eggs awaiting the proper fertilization so that they might bear a truly terror-inducing race of super beings, savage and bright, vicious beyond all comprehension— a super-race of monkeymen to lay siege to your dryworld and sup full of its horrors with gusto!

Of course, doubts are that you are the male to be doing such fertilizing. My general tendency, on this matter, is to view you as something of a pimply, slovenly pupa, unfit to releasingly rub himself upon a chair leg, let alone mount and service such a fine tamagent.

To be frank, Randall, I have no idea how you might productively proceed. But thus much is clear: It is categorically imperative that you buy a full set of these photographic studies. Do Not Delay! Steal appropriate credit card information from your parents, if necessary! GO, BOY, GO!

Tumescently,
GS