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Rant #35
(published April 12, 2001)
Perfect Day
by Lucas Kovar

"Pardon me. Do you mind if my friend and I sit next to you and have a loud, non-stop conversation? We plan on invading your personal space with clumsy gesticulation and spraying you with errant drops of spittle."

"Actually, I'd prefer it if you were to sit on the far end of the bus and hold your breath until you pass out."

"Hm. That sounds like a much better idea."

"Hello. I have here a series of pamphlets detailing my trite and poorly-worded opinions on hot-button social issues. For example, in this pamphlet I boldly state that I am opposed to child abuse. Not many people would be willing to publicly adopt such a controversial stance, but I'm something of an 'agitator', if you will. You can tell I'm serious since I spent half an hour carefully grooming myself to appear stylishly disheveled."

"What specifically do you propose to do to reduce child abuse?"

"I propose to post a slew of anti-child-abuse signs around town. I'll play it by ear from then on."

"I can't say that I'm interested in your pamphlet, but I would definitely be interested in wedging a trash can over your head and pushing you down these steps."

"Oh, that'd be dandy."

"Excuse me, sir. I'd like to explain to you how Jesus has touched my heart and deeply changed me as a person."

"I'm an atheist."

"Nonetheless, I am quite eager to spread the gospel to poor souls like yourself lest you be eternally damned to writhe in the fiery bowels of hell. If you doubt my sincerity, I suggest you pay attention to my wide-eyed, not-quite-sane gaze. Quick, take this small book of scripture before I snap.

"Don't you realize how silly you look? If I wasn't already non-religious, this spectacle might convince me to become so."


"You're right! It's a good thing you talked some sense into me before I made an even bigger fool of myself."

"I have a question about problem 3 of the current assignment."

"Okay. Have you done the reading for this week, which essentially guides you step-by-step through that very problem?"

"No, I've been preoccupied getting drunk with my fraternity brothers. I figured you might simply tell me the answer."

"I see. Have you considered that this tactic has consistently failed in the past?"

"This is true. In the future I'll do the reading ahead of time and think about the problem a bit before coming to you. In the meantime, I hope you'll consider punching me."

"It would be my pleasure."

"Good afternoon. Do you like my hat?"

"Excuse me?"

"My hat. Do you like it? It's a knit ski cap bearing a patch in the shape of a marijuana leaf."

"Yes, I see that. It's, um. Er."

"I feel the same way. I originally felt it aptly summed up my disaffection with this country's power structure, but now I think it simply makes me look foolish. In any event, this is not why I have stopped you."


"Indeed. Wouldn't it be screamingly funny to firmly grip my hat about it's edges and violently yank it downwards, thereby stretching it down to my ankles and pinning my arms to my sides in a fashion reminiscent of a Warner Brothers cartoon? Hurry, do it now. Now, I say!"

"Okay, but only because you insist."

[The phone rings]

"Hello, Lucas speaking."

"Hello. This is Bill Gates. I would like to personally apologize to you for the bluescreening that occurred just a few moments ago."

"It was quite aggravating."

"I imagine so. I am terribly embarrassed by this and would like to compensate you for your wasted time. How much do you get paid for doing half an hour of work?"

"Based upon my stipend and my actual hours worked, about $2.38."

"But...but that's below minimum wage!"


"This is an outrage! I will purchase your department with a portion of my vast fortune and ensure that your pay is commensurate with your abilities."

"Thank you, sir."

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