Editor's Note:

I first heard "The Nun with Two Dicks" when I was interviewing a local man for the Bay Picayune. I was in his living room, and this horrible screeching emerged from the garage next door. I stopped the interview immediately.

Next door, in the garage, with the door open was an old japanese man— maybe sixty-five years old— wearing ripped jeans and an "Operation Ivy" tee shirt, playing a guitar with more verve and passion than I've seen in years.

Beside the old man was a younger fellow, closer to my own age, maybe thirty-eight or so, playing the bass with such stoic finesse that it made my eyes water.

On drums, behind the two guitarists and perched on a pile of spare tires was the percussionist, who was doing a serviceable, if not inspired, job.

When I walked up they finished their song, and then the drummer approached me.

They are a father and son and grandfather punk trio, who will only be known as "The Nun With 2 Dicks." They would give no other names.

"My grandfather moved here in 1977 and immediately fell in love with Punk music. He saw all the greats in the day, and still goes to as many punk shows as possible. He's kind of a fixture of the scene."

Grandfather would give no comment. He would only mutter obscenities in heavily accented english and flip me off.

The son had this to say: "It has been my father's dream, since he came here, to play in a punk band. But he cannot trust anyone but his family. So he has been waiting for my son to get old enough to play the drums. In the meantime, he has been writing songs and lyrics almost nonstop. He is a very hard worker."

They haven't decided when their first tour will start; grandfather is still dissatisfied with grandson's drumming.

What follows is a selection of their lyrics:

(n.b. the note below is not mine, but rather scrawled by grandfather atop the first page of lyrics.)

 

The Nun With Two Dicks

if you read these and don't like them, try reading them out loud. if you still don't like them, fuck you. no offense.

"Can't Stop Farting II"

i have this little problem you see
it might sound funny but not to me
it's got me in real quandary
i can't stop farting

i'm riding the bus one afternoon
out of my ass flies creeping doom
people near me are starting to swoon
i can't stop farting

jump off the bus run down the street
tripping over my own two feet
have to go so bad i'm feeling dizzy
intestinal pressure makes my rectum start fizzing

stumbling up the stairs while i do the "shit dance"
break the zipper taking down my pants
sit on the toilet quick as a flash
oh fuck me, it's just bad gas

can't stop farting, what'll i do?
smells like my body is covered in poo
can't stop farting am i under a curse?
guess what'll happen after this verse?

there's a girl in class who copies my notes
when i see her i hear symphony notes
she smiles, gives my esteem a boost
and at that moment my anus cuts loose

wise man i know, i'll ask him for help
he's known me since i was just a little whelp
he just grins and inflates his trousers
i'm dizzy and incoherent for hours

stay away from burritos, don't eat hotdogs
my pants are filled with dying frogs
no matter what i do, i can't keep it from starting
life's fucking miserable when you can't stop farting

 

"Can't Stop Drinking"

my skull is split my eyes are blinking
wake up sore tired and stinking
addicted to the way it blurs my thinking
gimme another one cause i can't stop drinking

i love liquor and i love beer
both my kidneys are screaming in fear
if i was runnin a loser's race
i'd always finish 2nd place

fill my cup! drink it up!
watch me fall on my butt
when i'm blitzed i like to strut
but actually i'm too drunk to you-know-what

belly on fire and my guts are protesting
make a wreck of my intestines
i always think alcohol will free ya
but it just gives me alcoholic diarrhea

2 am is the magic number
state alcohol law's a fuckin bummer
if you think drinking makes me insane
my sober life is a crying shame

 

"Can't Stop Jerking"

each morning wake up the same
it even has its own name
thinkin bout baseball does no good
almost nothing can cure morning wood

it seems to have a mind of its own
can't even pee cause it's harder than stone
can't get dressed cause it's in the way
i'll look stupid if i let it stay

so i'm stuck sitting on my bed
stuck here thinking with the wrong head
only one way to give me my release
if i don't do this i'll never know peace

(fuck, out of kleenex again)

 

"Rebel Without a Clue"

a bad motherfucker's heart is made of stone
i'm gonna look great on my home-made throne
but this stone in my chest got a big fucking crack
i need to belong or i'll feel like crap

i have these great ideas that don't make sense
when people know i'm fake and i'm dense
my friends are smarter than i think
my philosophy's rotten and it stinks

i need to belong RIGHT NOW
my new friends will show me how
i need to belong RIGHT NOW
heart of a rebel, mind of a cow

topsy turvy brain makes my thoughts surreal
there's no idea i won't fucking steal
do i look like i know what i'm supposed to do?
look at me, i'm the rebel without a clue!

 

"Out of Ideas"

i'm tired and i'm through
waitin for somethin to do
TV's just makin noise
we're just a bunch of little boys
why don't i get up off my ass?
stead of sleepin late and skippin class?
no money for pizza or booze
my head's gonna bust a fuse
my friends are all losers too
we don't know what the fuck to do
smoke more cigarettes and get a tumor
every piece of information's just a rumor
sell out or join the "revolution?"
i've seen enough to know there ain't no solution

compass spinnin
like i'm sittin
at magnetic north

class i'm flunkin
wanna get drunk 'n
what's a degree worth?

i'm wallowing in mud and shit
why can't i make myself fit?
will i be able to turn it around
before i go back into the ground?

 

"The Golden Years Are a Crock of Shit"

gettin old ain't no joke
it's a trail of tears that leaves no hope
no one in the goddamn family knows how to cope
and growing old just ain't no joke

everybody always means well
but they're scared stiff (you can tell)
get born grow up go to school
try not to be everybody's fool
get hired get fired get hired again
get married have kids life's stretched pretty thin
rent and bills who knows what else
laugh about sacrificing your health
maybe even enjoy life if you dare
when you're old and feeble who's gonna care?