I've heard that a fictional character can't kill another fictional character without a certain set of circumstances in that character's life that lead up to the killing. People don't just go nuts in real life so they can't in a made up world either. There has to be something ingrained, some past experience at least that sits dormant over time like some kind of Trojan computer virus just waiting for the command to explode. I have just come to the conclusion that I am not a fictional character.

Right now, 8:20pm, February 17, 2005, I can say without hesitation or doubt, I could kill a man. End his life. Stand over him and watch while he takes his last breath and then I could smile. I've always been vengeful, but only mentally and emotionally hurting people. I hate fighting. I think it's an absolutely ridiculous way to solve a dispute. I like boxing, K1 and martial arts, but only for the art and the skill of it.

Bruce Lee said one time he learned to fight so he didn't have to and I think people should live that way. I don't like Ultimate Fighting because the fighters are all drama queens and there is an hour build up of talking before a fight that usually lasts about two minutes before one guy knocks the other unconscious with one lucky punch. But I could kill a man

I got picked on in middle school, I was that fat kid that the cool kids threw stuff at, made fun of, beat up and nobody that could've stopped the cool kids would. I got revenge though. When we got into high school I played football and lifted weights, they smoked a lot and still live in their parents' houses. I didn't like lifting weights at the time but I grew taller, slimmer, and more muscular. By junior year, I looked good and two of the guys that used to pick on me had girlfriends that looked good enough. My first sexual conquests, although not my first encounters, these were a couple of the first times I realized the power of words and that I could twist words to manipulate people into doing what I wanted, up to and including fucking me.

In case you're curious, no, that wasn't enough revenge. I only told one person; who told one person, who told one person, etc. Once the guys found out about it, they confronted me one day during break, together. They said a lot, I didn't hear much of it until the bell rang and some other guy that for some reason made himself the center of the issue asked the other two guys, "Do you want to fight him or not?" One of them spoke up and I heard him say, "Yeah, meet me in front of the school . . . " before I walked away laughing because it seemed absurd and I couldn't be late to class and that was the last I heard of it because somebody else cheated on somebody else with somebody else and honestly, who gives a shit? No one left that entire ordeal with so much as a broken blood vessel, though. I only inflicted emotional pain on them and I really could care less about anything more than that.

I hold grudges like a motherfucker, and I could kill a man. I should say at this point I'm not too terrible a person, I've never cheated on a girl I've been exclusively involved with, I wouldn't be with a girl that had a boyfriend that I knew about, unless it served the purposes of revenge, and that theory has actually been tested. I don't lie unless it serves the purposes of revenge and although I do take a great deal of pleasure in it, I don't like taking revenge. I'd much rather just hear the person apologize when I confront them peacefully. I'm a rational person; people do get chances especially if I care about them. If it goes so far as me having to take my satisfaction like in Barry Lyndon then whatever happens next is their own damn fault. I like drugs but I only tried everything I've tried out of curiosity and I've never been addicted to anything other than caffeine. Caffeine withdrawals are absolutely miserable if you're curious and haven't ever had them. I used to get migraines when I was younger and the only way I could find any relief was by lying in a bed on my back in perfect darkness until I either threw up or passed out. Caffeine headaches are worse. That might be the only good thing about being a broke college student though, I don't have enough money to support any kind of drug habit.

There are however, cheap prescription pills in Mexico and cocaine is easier to get in LA than cheap prescription pills in Mexico for some reason. Contrary to what the news will have you believe, I have never wanted to hurt anybody while I was on anything, including alcohol, and I could kill a man.