Poor Mojo's Almanac(k) Classics (2000-2011)
| HOME | FICTION | POETRY | SQUID | RANTS | archive | masthead |
Rant #119
(published January 30, 2003)
Apple Breaks It Down Old School, Pushes Forward, Screams, Break-Dances And Then Sets Itself On Fire.
by Our Reporter

CUPPERTINO, CA— In a stunning move today, Apple CFO Fred Anderson announced that Apple Computer was gonna bust every last rhyme in line for the times, kick the bass down and keep real with the crime. This followed an announcement that Apple Computer had posted a first-quarter net loss as costs increased, marking the personal-computer maker's first back-to-back losses since co-founder Steve Jobs regained control in 1997.

The loss was $US8 million, or two cents a share, compared with net income of $US38 million, or 11 US cents, a year earlier, the company said in a statement. Sales in the quarter to December 28 rose 7.1 per cent to $US1.47 billion from $US1.38 billion.

"Fuck it all," said Anderson as he coated his conservative pinstriped banker's suit in jellied kerosene. "We spend 121 million bucks on R&D every year, and we're gonna keep raising that ante up and up and up until we fucking explode!"

He then laid down a few more fat rhymes, slapped his chest, went down and spun out two jackhammers and then went up into a Ninja Outburst. Just as the outburst was slowing, Apple Vice President for Worldwide Marketing stepped forward with a lit match and set Anderson ablaze.

"We're committed to innovating our way out of this recession," Steve jobs called out from a caged tower-top that loomed over the burning and dancing Anderson who, as he wormed across the stage, left behind a burning slick of the homemade napalm that coated his body from head to toe. Jobs held the mic in one hand and started the crowd of gathered financial journalists into a steady hand-clapping beat. "Follow us, wary investors," Jobs called out, "when this whole things plays out, it is gonna be fucking sweet!"

Apple ignited the personal computer revolution in the 1970s with the Apple II and reinvented the personal computer in the 1980s with the Macintosh. Apple is committed to bringing the best personal computing experience to students, educators, creative professionals and consumers around the world through its innovative hardware, software and Internet offerings.

Learn to Breakdance like Fred Anderson!

Share on Facebook
Tweet about this Piece

see other pieces by this author

Poor Mojo's Tip Jar:

The Next Rant piece (from Issue #120):

We Hate Fun
by Old People

The Last few Rant pieces (from Issues #118 thru #114):

How Can A Man Smoke Without An Ashtray?
by Manish Raiji

Just a Maryland Moment
by Manish Raiji

Why I Propose to Wrest Control of This "Almanac(k)" From it's Filthy, Simian Purveyors; How I shall Accomplish the Deed; and How You, the Fair Reader, shall Benefit
by Architeuthis dux (the Giant Squid)

Coming of the White Men
by Geronimo

A Selection of Christmas Headlines
collected by the PMjA Staff

Rant Archives

Contact Us

Copyright (c) 2000, 2004, David Erik Nelson, Fritz Swanson, Morgan Johnson

More Copyright Info