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Rant #88
(published Mid-year, 2002)
Another Church Shocker: "Fuck It!" Says Resigning Cardinal
by Terence S. Hawkins

BOSTON (AP) A Catholic Church already reeling from scandal sought to regain its footing after last week's surprise resignation of Bernard Cardinal Law.

Law, already under fire for his handling of the widening kiddie-sex scandal——a response labeled limp by his detractors, who questioned his transfer of suspected priests to the chaplaincy of the diocesan soccer team and coordination of Young Men's CCD classes—-shocked Boston and the world at a recent press conference.

Law read a prepared statement concerning the recent resignation of a Polish Archbishop in response to accusations of soaping up boys in the shower, noting in conclusion that "Hey, I guess it isn't just Americans. Okay?"

At that point a reporter confronted the Prince of the Church with the news that Cardinal of Los Angeles had been accused of sexual improprieties with a young woman thirty years before.

Cardinal Law, at first stunned, collected himself. "Well," he said, "at least it was a girl." In response to the titters his response provoked, the aging prelate seemed to lose control. "Fuck it," he said, tearing the scarlet cap from his head and tossing it into the crowd. "Here, you fuckers, take this. I've had it."

At that point the cardinal brushed past stunned monsignori at either side and stalked off the podium. He appeared to think better and came back to the microphone. "Listen, assholes," he said, "what the fuck do you expect? Gee, let's see, what do we want in priests. Guys who can't get married, who dress up in fucking evening gowns to go to work, who spend most of their time around teenage boys. And now it's 'oh no, our priests are queers?' Give me a fucking break."

Addressing a crowd stunned silent the Cardinal laughed sourly. "Tell you what, though. I'm an old man, but there's still lead in the pencil. I'm going to get me some before I go. White girl about five two with big tits and bad teeth." With that the Cardinal winked and, according to some observers, added "Ave fucking Maria," under his breath.

Then, in a rustle of vestments, he was gone.


The Cardinal gave a brief interview today in his retirement at Bishop's Bait Shop at a location this reporter agreed not to disclose on the Gulf Coast of Florida. Clad in nothing but Speedo swim trunks he sat in a lawn chair while a bikini-clad buxom companion who, it was later learned, was the former Sister Earnest Borgnine of the Infantilist Order of Mary, freshened his drink. "Hey," he said as she sluiced out his ice bucket. "Some pair on her, right?"

Smiling, he sipped his drink. "I'm as happy as a rabbi with a ham sandwich."

The Vatican has not yet responded to this week's developments.

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