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Rant #78
(published Early, 2002)
A Rebuttal for the Nonviolent Liberal
by Ralph the Airborne Ranger

I was a pussy in high school. I was afraid of fighting. I was beat up often. After high school I moved in with some skinhead and I subsequently learned how to fight. (Please note that I myself am not a skin) This is because where I lived, the places I went, fights happened. Fights were fun. The guy I was fighting liked to fight as much as I did. In my house we had a designated fighting area. It was understood that if you said something offensive to a girl . . . if you made music snafu such as playing the Wallflowers . . . if you got too drunk and belligerent . . . you were going to fight.

O.K., now, war has been around for millennia. It's how humans make important decisions. It helps keep a lid on overpopulation. And it helps us get rid of bad shit. We used it to get rid of Nazis, we used it to get rid of Iraq's plans for weapons of mass destruction (temporarily). War is essential in evolution. If good people didn't use it bad people still would. That's a simple concept. If we didn't stop Hitler there would be no Jews. If we didn't stop Iraq they would have all the magical black elixir.

Not too long ago bad people did a bad thing and someone killed a shit load of mostly innocent people. They took down a monument to a more unified world community. They slapped our girlfriend on the ass and broke a beer bottle over our head.

Americans have been afraid of war, much like I was afraid to fight in high school. Now someone has woken us up a bit. It is not as if they did it for some more glorified purpose, their purpose is as evil as the act. This is a people who will not allow their women to work or learn or even receive medical care. This is a people who hold land ownership as part of their religious duty. This is a greedy and rotten little terrorist group— more greedy and rotten than our own greedy rotten American belief structure. Something must be done.

It is my god given right as an American— and even more so as an airborne fucking ranger to go over there and kick someone's teeth in over this whole thing.

As Americans we have been pretty good sports in the world arena as of late. We try to give aid to starving countries. We sent military assistance to the very same people who we are now fighting, when they where invaded by the Russians. We are all about this unified global economy thing and, hell, most of us like the idea of peace a whole bunch.

That does not make us pussies. That does not mean it's okay to slaughter a few thousand of us when the mood strikes you. Although we are compassionate we are not weak. We cannot afford to let the world think that America has become soft. If we did that every other week someone would be bombing LAX or knocking down the Pentagon.

It's time for violence. It's time for a bloody no-holds-barred fuck-all of a fight. It's time that we shake up the American people a bit so that we know what our ideals are. If there wasn't something worth fighting for we shouldn't even be here in the first place. I am glad the nonviolent little bleeding heart girl was shaken up by all this: it made her think about what she stands for. We need that. So what if a little blood is shed. If you want to make a giant world-peace omelet, you gotta break a few ethnic eggs.

Disclaimer: despite this rebuttal, I am a really all around nice guy and not the violent type at all— I listen to Cat Stephens and write poetry, for chrissake.

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