Poor Mojo's Almanac(k) Classics (2000-2011)
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Rant #6
(published Late in the Year, 2000)
Brittany, We're Coming to Get You
by James P. Miller

Dude, Brittany Spears is finally 18!

Have you ever heard anyone say that sentence any other way? Finally 18. "Finally" anything usually means that you're waiting around to do something. If you say "It finally stopped raining," you usually then say something like, "so now we can kayak to Uncle Sphincter's house."

So she's finally 18. What were we waiting for?

We were waiting to feel okay about wanting to fuck her. Don't act shocked. Our whole country has been lying to itself and its collective wife since the Spear debuted on MTV and shitty radio stations across the nation. We told ourselves that she was just another teen pop singer, like Debbie Gibson or Tiffany or Brandi.

She's not another Debbie Gibson and we know it. All of our other teen pop stars sang about puppy love and kissing and— fuck, I don't know. Holding hands behind a Dairy Queen. This is not Brittany. Let's look at the evidence.

Her first single was called "Hit Me Baby, One More Time." When a girl in a Catholic schoolgirl outfit with sexually knowledgeable pig tails sings "Hit Me Baby, One More Time" she might as well be singing "Throw Another Big Load Into Me, You Throbbing, Uncircumcised, Over-Age Conqueror."

And if you feel uncomfortable about my characterization of the situation, realize this: in our country, in our time, there is an industry, of billions of dollars that exists, in part, to make you want to have sex with underage girls to the point where you'll buy an $18 CD. Or maybe one for your daughter. How old is she now?

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