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Rant #52
(published August 9, 2001)
Poor Mojo is One Year Old!
by the PMjA Staff

(They're dead all right. They're all messed up.)

Wherefore six and twenty fortnight have passed since the inception of this publication;

And wherefore, the triumvirate of editors herein being ever so industrious, there has not once been a missed update of said publication in that given time;

And wherefore the readership of said publication has grown, sprawling and decadent, across the globe to include the very thinnest film of world-wide recognition, finding that it as easy to be known as a Poor Mojo Fanatic in Manila as it is in Johannesburg, or that it is as likely that one will find at least a single Squid fan in that wind-swept land of the Wedergeats as on the dusky fieldscape of Iowa;

It shall be resolved that a celebration shall sweep the world;

And that jubilation shall be on the rosy lip of every child (though it should be a naturally occurring jubilation, for we understand it to be illegal, if not immoral, to place jubilation on the lip of a minor by force... or so it has been said to us by the authorities of Rhode Island.)

And so, here we shall recount within the scope of this week's rant the many glories and achievements of this magazine.

Before going any further along this little clips episode of a rant, please join the newsletter if you haven't already. We need to track you all so that, when the end times draw nigh, we can stalk you one by one for the soft flesh of your belly . . . very nutritious.

Our Services:

Dave: "These include, but are by no means limited to, the palmDoc-on-Demand Engine & Vagrant's Library, the weekly newsletter, the Idea Hopper, Poor Mojo's Digital Press publications such as The Floating City and In Wedersen, the Poor Mojo Link Library, Poor Mojo Radio, the Poor Mojo Weather Control Machine and Poor Mojo Cereal Inscription Service."

Our Greatest Defeats:

Dave: "That time the killbot prototype went silly-buggers and destroyed the lab. Also, having my old dog put down— he knew too many secrets."

Morgan: "Being exiled to the snowy wastes of San Francisco for having seen Dave naked. He never forgets; he never forgives."

Fritz: "Not killing Hitler that time I was sucked back in time with the Squid and Barnaby from Green Bay."

How You Can Help Continue the Fight:

1. Donate money to us through Paypal. Ten bucks will assuage your karmically conscious conscience for another year.
Make donations with PayPal - it's fast, free and secure!
2. Or visit the Donations Page for more direct money options.

3. Or buy something from one of our stores.

Standard Store (Where you can find the famous Robot Shirt)

Christmas Store (Santa Moongiver and Lee Harvey Oswald team up to spread joy)

Pulp Paperback Store (Shirts made from the racy covers of 50's era pulp paperbacks... including one by Faulkner!)

The Giant Squid Store

4. Or, geez, make some posters and tell your friends. Every new reader you find for us will bring you one step closer to Nirvana (swallow a shotgun, anyone? Or start a new band?)

Some Sincere Thank Yous:

Fritz: "I would like to thank Sara, my students, WIRED Magazine, AOL/Time Warner, The University of Michigan and Rudolph Valentino (posthumously) for all of their support. Keep reaching for the stars, guys."

Dave: "I would like to thank each and every one of your mothers for being such great sports."

Morgan: "I'd like to thank all of our contributors (without whom, it stands to reason, none of this would be possible), the Poor Mojo Army, the Cephalopod Anti-Defamation League (for dropping their lawsuit), Sangria, our sweatshop laborers at Cafepress, Succotash, and my fellow Poor Mojo travelers."

Poor Mojo Trivia:

Fritz: "Who is my Arch-nemesis? Starts with A.L. and ends with Kennedy. And did you know that Poor Mojo has joined the Cthulhu Webring. It's true!"

Morgan: "Fun Fact: Fritz, Morgan, and Dave have never actually met."

Dave: "How much change do I have in my pocket right now?"

Things Which People (aren't) Saying About Poor Mojo:

"Would you bastards please leave me alone!"
-David Brooks, author of Bobos in Paradise and annoying cultural critic

"I love it!"
-Thomas Lynch, Essayist, Poet, Undertaker, Poor Mojo Patron

"I didn't know you did that. Clearly I cannot support that... oh, no, I already have!"
-Warren Hecht, Director, Creative Writing Program, Residential College, University of Michigan, Poor Mojo Patron

"You guys don't suck!"
-Chaosium Incorporate, publishers, Call of Cthulhu RPG

"You know, this essay you bastards ran this week . . . it really pisses me off."
-David Brooks, author of Bobos in Paradise, annoying cultural critic and whining little bitch

"What do you want? I am so tired."
-Lynn Sharon Shwartz, professor, University of Michigan, and author of certain things

"Please, not now."
-Nic Delbanco, author, The Lost Suitcase, Director, Creative Writing Program, University of Michigan, Professor, Director, Hopwood Program, Smiler, Lover, Conqueror, master

"The Poor Mojo is fabulous."
-Charles Baxter, author of Feast of Love and National Book Award Finalist

"The Poor Mojo is fabulous"
-Peter Ho Davies, Author of Equal Love, professor, University of Michigan

"Isn't it funny that we said the exact same thing!"
-Peter and Charlie give each other big hugs

"No. No it is not."
-David Brooks, author of Bobos in Paradise, annoying cultural critic and whining little bitch

"Now, wait just a damn minute! You have me coming off as some sort of angry curmudgeon!"
-David Brooks, author of Bobos in Paradise, annoying cultural critic and whining little bitch

"I demand satisfaction, sir (slaps entire PMjA staff, including the Squid, with his white dueling glove)."
-David Brooks, author of Bobos in Paradise, annoying cultural critic and whining little bitch

"We'll help! We're both renowned duelers!"
-Charlie and Peter hold each other around the waist, their faces pink with joy

"Good, Peter, you shall be my man at arms!"
-David Brooks, author of Bobos in Paradise, annoying cultural critic, whining little bitch and expert marksman

And then, at dawn, there was a duel. But the PMjA staff failed to show because they each know that cowardice is the better part of valor. David Brooks has yet to receive satisfaction. Thomas Lynch cheered the whole time, because either way, in the end, he wins.

The lord, God, who is Jesus in Heaven, smiles down on us. He smiles down in that way that Christians are wont to do when they are humoring you and hope you will leave because, by Gosh, they are sure that you are probably doing something illegal that they don't understand and if you stand there much longer you might implicate them in the whole darn mess.

Thank you and good night!

Dave, Fritz and Morgan


Dave: "I'd like to take a moment to specifically not thank Jesus, without whom this all would have turned out exactly the same. The fucker."

Fritz: "Can you believe it's been a year? Just think, one year ago there was no Poor Mojo. There was only waste and death and miles of zombies."


And now, a poem:

Riddle 68
from the Exeter Book
translated by Fritz Swanson

I then a thing saw while fairing on my way:
It was rare and strangely prepared.

A wonder came to pass on my way along the sea shore:
Water turned to bone.

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