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Rant #389
(published July 3, 2008)
Conversation With An Idiot
by Kathy A. Fisher
Tonight my boyfriend Richard and I watched Journey to the End of Night. Brendan Fraser and Scott Glenn star in this excellent study of family dysfunction, especially when your family happens to own a whorehouse in Sao Paolo, Brazil. I love Fraser, not only because he's as adorable as a basket full of baby seals before some asshole clubs them to death, but because he's a damn fine actor. Unless one catches him in an independent film, he usually portrays a happy-go-lucky misfit, all bumbling charm and dimples. Not this film. In this one he plays a coke/gambling addict, she-male whore slashing, backstabbing, adulterous, fratricidal dog murderer who needs to enroll in anger management classes. His eloquent delivery of the following line to the character playing his father's wife/former whore (and Fraser's own personal mistress) instigated a conversation with Richard.

Fraser's character: "He made you suck a thousand cocks before he married you!"

I'm incapable of watching a movie without a running commentary so I said, "A thousand cocks? Wow! That's a lot. I'm behind the curve."

Richard responded, "Go for it. You certainly have a couple of things going for you, what with all those dark book aisles and being mousy."

As the manager of a book store, I started to laugh at the comment about the dark aisles, but being referred to as mousy stopped me.

"Mousy?" I asked. "MOUSY!"

"Hey, Avril Lavigne is mousy," Richard stated, as if explaining one plus two to a dimwitted six-year-old child.

"Avril Lavigne?"

"Lisa Loeb is mousy," he said, clearly not understanding the level of ire in the room.

"Lisa Loeb? You're not helping your case by comparing me to mousy women who are TWENTY-FIVE YEARS YOUNGER THAN ME!"

"Kathy Griffin is mousy!"

"I HATE Kathy Griffin!"

In an obvious attempt to start the long climb out of the grave—I mean hole—he had dug for himself, I guess he thought throwing out the name of a left-wing political grandmother would appease me.

"Nancy Pelosi is mousy."

"Then why don't you go fuck Nancy Pelosi?"

I began to plot my makeover.

"Don't worry, I won't be mousy much longer and since you like mousy women so much, perhaps you can find one who will enjoy watching Fox News with you."

Richard went to ground like a bunny rabbit who has heard Dick Cheney is in the neighborhood and has brought his shotgun.

"I support you in all your decisions."

I suddenly realized that in my foam-at-the-mouth frenzy, my brain had temporarily switched off.

"Hey, did you say Kathy Griffin? I LOVE Kathy Griffin. I thought you said Kathie Lee Gifford."

"Oh, no! Kathy Lee Gifford is the most beautiful woman on the planet. She's not mousy at all. She's really smart and you can cheat on her with a stewardess. It's no big deal. I like simple women like that."



"Laura Bush is mousy."

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