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Rant #383
(published May 22, 2008)
Acing The Oral Failing the Fucking
(A Poor Mojo's Monstrously Bad Sex Rant Contest Notable Entry)
by Joe Filippone
Almost everyone's bad sex story is the story of how they lost their virginity. Surprise, surprise, my bad sex story is about how my friend Molly popped my cherry. What makes my story different I can hear you ask. Well, most guys, when they fuck for the first time are bad at all parts of it: oral, fingering, the actual fucking itself. In my case I only needed to improve the last item. Believe me, I was shocked by the results myself.

Losing my virginity was not something I had planned to do, at least, not that day. I was hanging out with my friend Molly. We had grown up together and she was one of my dearest and closest friends. Back then I would have called her my best friend. I told her the deepest secrets of my soul, stuff I wouldn't even tell my parents. I honestly thought me and her would be together forever.

Anyway, we were hanging out in my apartment. It was Sunday. Summer. Hot and sticky. Too hot to go outside. Almost too hot to stay inside. We had the fans going full blast. I was shirtless and in my boxers. Molly had stripped to her bra and panties. We had filled large milk bottles with ice water, we had gotten through five of the six.

"This sucks," I said.

Even though I had lived in Denver all my life, I still wasn't used to how hot our summers can be.

"You can say that again," Molly said fishing out an ice cube from the milk bottle and rubbing it across her body.

I didn't give it much thought then but as I watched her lather her body with the frozen liquid, my penis started to grow.

"What do you think of my latest story?" I asked.

"Not bad. Really hot. I still can't believe you write such steamy erotica and you're still a virgin."

That's right. I was a virgin erotica writer. A mighty good one if I may pat myself on the back.

"Where do you come up with some of these positions?" She asked. "Damn, maybe I better wait until winter to read this. It's making this room a lot hotter."

"Don't forget, Molls, I used to review porn for those websites. I picked up a lot of tricks."

"Never put any of them to use," she teased.

"Just never found the right girl," I replied offhandedly, lying down on the couch and praying that sleep would overpower me and my dreams would be filled with blizzards.

"Molly," her voice made me open my eyes.

"What?" I said rising, or at least trying to.

The heat had made sweat ooze out of my pores, glueing my back to the tan leather couch.

"You named one of your characters Molly. Is she named after me?"

"No," it was a lie. I had named the character after her. "It was the first name I thought of."

"The character's a whore who'll sleep with any guy who looks at her. Molly was the first name you thought of for that character?" She glared daggers at me.

"Um. . . " My mouth was suddenly filled with cotton. I couldn't think of anything to save my skinny ass. "Damn it's hot in here. I'll go get more water," my words stumbled over themselves as I tripped over my legs and tried to retreat to the kitchen.

"Not so fast. You got some 'splainin' to do," she grabbed hold of my boxers and pulled them down making me fall to the carpet hard. "Now tell me," she said sitting on top of my ass. "Why did you name your whore character Molly? You think I'm a whore? I've only fucked two guys."

"A writer never reveals his inspiration," I vowed gallantly.

"Did you picture me doing those things to you as you wrote?" She asked grabbing my arm and pinning it on my back so I couldn't move.

"I must plead the fifth."

"Have it your way."

She caught me off guard. Soon her hands were vigorously tickling my armpits and the side of my body. My legs contracted and expanded several times. I started to laugh so hard, tears flew out of my eyes. I was scared I would piss all over the floor. I prayed she would stop soon and I would be able to run out of the room and get dressed. As soon as she had sat on my ass, I had become hard as granite.

"Say uncle," she said.

"Okay. Okay. Uncle. Uncle," I screamed out in between laughs.

She slowly ceased her torture. Much to my horror, she grasped my shoulders and turned me over on my back.

"Well. Well. Well. My. My. My. What do we have here?" She asked staring at my hard cock throbbing just below my navel. "Is that for me?"

"You wish," I tried to scoff but the truth was it was for her.

"This is the first time I've ever seen you naked," she said suddenly, voice barely a whisper on the wind.

"It is not. We saw each other naked all the time when we were kids."

"It's grown a lot since you were seven."

"What can I say," I shrugged, chest and cock growing with pride. "I ate all my vegetables and drank all my milk."

"You are such a dork," she slightly hit my chest.

"What about you?"

"What about me?"

"Aren't you going to show me what you got during puberty."

"You're such a pervert," she laughed, trying to act offended and hit my chest again.

"Come on. You've gotten a good look at me."

Molly thought it over for a minute before saying, "okay. If you tell anyone about this, I'll feed you your cock to you on a hotdog bun and give your balls to the Rockies to use for batting practice."

I laughed then gasped as she stripped off her bra and panties. I didn't think she'd actually go through with it. I had never seen a real live naked girl before. It was really, really hot. Hotter than I thought it would be.

Molly was the hottest girl I had ever seen. Her tits were the perfect size for me; small enough to fit into your mouth and palm but not big enough to be able to suffocate you. Her pussy was small. Tight. Totally hairless.

"Very nice," I hadn't meant to say that out loud but Molly laughed.

"Thanks. You're not so bad yourself."

I laughed. I don't know what came over me but I reached up and gently cupped her breast in my hand. Slowly, I stuck a finger in her tight pussy and gently thrusted it in and out.

"Joe," she breathed out.

Bending down, she kissed me fully on the lips. Her hands wrapped around my cock and gently stroke it while she squeezed my full balls. Wrapping my arms around her waist I gently rolled her onto her back. Gently I kissed her tits, flicking my tongue in and out in rapid staccato motions like a snake; a technique I had seen in a porno once. Before long I was face to face with her pussy.

I slowly licked her lips, engorged and red with the blood of desire slowly as if her pussy were an ice cream cone. I fucked her with my tongue, gently biting down on her lips. Tickling her clit. I could taste her cum on my tongue. Her body rippled with lust. Her hands were lost in my shaggy brown hair. Pulling me up, she kissed me. Long. Full. Deep. Licking my lips with her tongue.

"Mmmm. . . ." She moaned. "I like the way I taste on you."

"You taste nice," I said, rubbing my cock against her wet pussy.

"You're good at that."

"Thanks," I blushed a little embarrassed.

"You want to. . . do more?" She asked.

Fuck yeah I did! I was a horny guy with a hot naked girl underneath me.

"If you do," I said casually.

"Do you have a condom?"

Of course I didn't. I was a virgin. I never thought I would get laid.

"No," I said feeling disappointed. Damn, I knew this was too good to be true.

"Don't worry, I got some."

She reached for her jeans and took out a condom from the back pocket. Had she planned this or was she just always prepared like The Boy Scouts?

"Here you go," she handed me the condom after she had freed it from the wrapping.

I looked at it. I didn't know how to put it on.

"Put it on for me," I said trying to sound lustful, hoping she wouldn't know that I was so pathetic I didn't know how to put a condom on.

She got it on my throbbing cock, thankfully I didn't cum and she laid on her back with her legs spread wide. I got on top of her and started to panic. I didn't know how to put my cock in her pussy.

"Put me inside you," I whispered in her ear.

She put my cock in her pussy. I moaned. She was tight. It felt like a vice was around my cock. Moving my hips I thrusted in and out of her. I moved slow, hoping I would be able to last to give her a little bit of pleasure. Sadly it was not to be. I came after three thrusts.

"Shit," I whispered in her ear

"It's okay," she said kissing my shoulder. "It's to be expected."

Even though she had tried to comfort me , she might as well have castrated me with a dull butter knife. "It's to be expected." That's a nice way of saying "you're a lousy fuck but I don't want you to feel too bad about it."

We spent the rest of the day in awkward silence. Even though it was hotter than a jalapeño in Hell, we had gotten dressed faster than Minute Men. Molly left an hour later and I'm sorry to say that our relationship was never the same. She didn't come over as often. Didn't call. Didn't email me. She even deleted me off her MySpace page. It was only a matter of weeks before we didn't talk at all. Even though I did lose my virginity to someone that I cared about and not a stranger, I still wish we would have waited. I wish I hadn't asked Molly to strip. Hadn't kissed and fingered her. Maybe if both of us had let things develop naturally the sex would have been better-even if it wasn't-and we would have still remained best friends.

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