Soon you will be able to read ex-President Clinton's autobiography, My So-Called Pants. It contains startling revelations, such as the night the Chief Executive, high on treasury bills, married Alan Greenspan in a McDonald's staffed entirely by former welfare mothers. This brings up the question, how many disadvantaged infants does it take to mop a fast food establishment? The answer is that it depends on their access to the necessary resources.

One important skill that they might need is self-publishing. With new technology it is possible to grow self-esteem faster than ever before. It has been clinically proven that writing down things in which you believe will bring literally several pieces of paper to their knees. And that may just be the end of the national forest as we know it. The human essence has a natural tendency to return to the trees. That is why most famous writers — such as Jerry Seinfeld — smell like monkey pee.

The public sphere is basketball. It goes up, it goes down, it dribbles helplessly on prime time. Everyone wants to get a head that's talking. Here, then, are my opinions: your personal consumer preferences are political, so buy Iraqi corpses only from licensed dealers. It costs a little more, but the peace of mind is priceless.