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Rant #304
(published November 16, 2006)
The Cat Made Me Do It
by Melissa Nation
What is it about some of us that we simply cannot accept that a) some people are off limits and b) we deserve better than to be someone elses understudy.

Sometimes I raise my head up into the vastness of the world around me and have the briefest glimpse of the sheer population of this planet, and it awes and frightens me for a moment before I hurriedly duck back down into my small, fathomable universe of people I know.

Afterward, after the fear wears off, I smugly think to myself about how smart I am and how enlightened I am to be able to contemplate the grandness and the largeness of the planet and its population. I snicker softly to myself as I thank fate that I have been blessed with the ability to comprehend such a thing. I, of all people, have been granted the ability to ponder the masses.

So, in the middle of all this snickering and pondering, I fall in love with a married man. In this world full to bursting with people, I have decided that the only one for me is,um, well, the only one for someone else as well. Hmm.

As I was on my way to his house while his rightful other was busy vacationing in blissful ignorance, I tried some self talk. Self, said I, there is a world full of people out there who would be willing to slide down the slippery slope of love with you without having to pack an extra bag. What, Self, are the chances of there being another man, just like this one, who is unattached? Ponder for a moment, Self, the Masses. Ponder for a moment the Population. Being the enlightened soul that I am, I pondered these things. I pondered them as I pulled into his driveway. I pondered them as I said hello and walked into his (thier) home and made my self comfortable and drank water from his (thier) glass. I pondered these things, and I would be a liar if I didn't say that I began to see the error of my ways. I began then to ponder ways of leaving with the least amount of discomfort and embarrassment to myself and my host. He had, after all, brought me water. We made innocent small talk while my enlightened brain pondered ways to get the hell out of there.

Suddenly, without warning, a large gray cat exploded onto my lap and began to gnaw on my hand while frantically shedding. My host laughed, and said that if his (thier) cat liked me, I was alright. Then I snickered, and we went up to bed.

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