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Rant #190
(published September 2, 2004)
I Want a Ninja.
by Admiral Studmuffin of the HMS Hotass

Read that again. I do not want to *become* a Ninja. That, while in itself would be awesome if I could just take a pill and become one, is not what I am talking about. First of all, while I like challenges I am not up for years of isolated training in some temple in Japan in the wilderness; only eating rice; doing backbreaking labor for some shrunken old man who I know could rip out my own spine and show it to me as I was falling to the ground:

Ninja Master: "Ha, ha. Dat's yours!"

ME: What the... *thud*

No, in spite of cool forearm scars from carrying boiling hot cauldrons and skills that would be the envy of all, I would rather have a Ninja than become one. Not have like a slave was owned by a cracker in the south. But perhaps a life debt was owed to me by him because I saved his sister from rape or I pulled him from a swirling pool when he was only 5 and ever since not drowning he has spent the rest of his life doing the aforementioned training and once completing it tracked me down to declare that he is on my servitude forever.

Don't get me wrong, I would treat my Ninja with the utmost respect. Besides the fact that I am a decent human being and I know that once he has sworn a life debt to me he must serve me in every way, I would rather not have a disgruntled ninja in my keep. I want him very gruntled actually. Sure there will be cultural differences and we will never like the same shows on TV. But while I am watching Scrubs, Ryu would be off with his shuriken practicing unbelievable moves on all the flour-filled dummies we would have in our training room. (Um, of course there would be a training room—he's a Ninja!) So hanging out would never be an uncomfortable thing.

Why do I want a Ninja? I think it is obvious and every man reading this post is already envisioning the possibilities that would be endless if you had a Ninja at your disposal. And I am not even talking (yet) about the nefarious things you could get away with if a Ninja was in your keep. In fact, to appease the gods and possibly make my dream come true, (I did one time take a very drunken Asian friend home from a party who could have easily been taken advantage of—who knows, she might have a brother, and that brother might be looking for me right now—If he is, this is for him: "Hey, Isaki! I am in Arlington. Just reply to this anonymous post and we will hook up. Grab a little saki. You can explain to me the details of your life debt. You know, whatever." —-but I digress.), I will stick to all the non illegal ways I would use my Ninja. Well, slightly illegal but not bank robbing etc.

How will he make my life better? Let me just list a few ways:

Metro: No more waiting in lines. Everyone will be watching the black pajama-ed man with only his eyes showing, and what are obviously various weapons of death on his back or in his hands or what have you, and no one will be paying any attention to me as I slide right through. If anyone breaks any of the common courtesy laws of public transportation, the katana will become unsheathed and said offender will be sliced in half.

  • Walking on the left on the escalator? *Swoosh* Two halves of Tourist Joe lie on the stairs that I will now step over.
  • Trying to get on before I get off Pushy Native Metro User? *Slash* Now, consider that a warning to everyone else.
  • Clubs/bars: Now I can go dancing without having to be elbowed by Frat boy Jack as he a). tries to simply stand on the motherf'in dance floor while the rest of us dance

    b). tries to grind his crotchticular region into the poor girl in front of him who is just trying to bust a move to Robin Thicke's "When I Get you Alone" (sing along:

    Well does she want me to carry her home now?
    So does she want me to buy her things?
    On my house, on my job
    On my loot, shoes, my shirt,
    My crew, my mind, my father's last name? )

    Said offender will have a garrote wrapped around his neck so quickly and drug into the darkest corner to be gutted so quickly that even if the bouncer was paying attention instead of marveling at how huge his arms are/wondering how he will wipe his own ass tonight, he wouldn't even know what had happened.

    Library: Can't reach that book? Wire with mouthyhook thing will shoot out of his sleeve/arm/wrist and grab that top shelf book and bring it to you Mortal Kombat style ("GET OVER HEEERE!). By the way, you (reader), SO just said that out loud.

    The possibilities are endless but I know your attention span is dwindling. Let's just say that there is nothing, NOTHING, which having a ninja (like a midget friend) around wouldn't make better.

    So pardon me as I need to hit Chinatown (Does DC have a Chinatown?) and look to see if there are any drowning children (it sure did rain last night!) or perhaps a bullied girl whose honor I can save and therefore get my own Ninja.

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