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Rant #112
(published December 12, 2002)
Train Baron Appointed Treasury Secretary; Collection Of 19th Century Cliches Now Complete
by Fritz Swanson

WASHINGTON—- President Bush on Monday named rail mogul John Snow as Treasury secretary, replacing Paul O'Neill who was forced to resign last week in the biggest shakeup of the two-year-old administration.

The CSX chairman's appointment, which must by approved by the Republican-controlled Congress, is part of a major reinvention of the Bush administration's economic team. Bush is expected to later name former Goldman Sachs Chairman Stephen Friedman as senior White House economic adviser, taking over from Lawrence Lindsey, who was also forced out last week.

"John Snow has excelled as a business leader and train barron," Bush said in announcing Snow's nomination. "John Snow will be a key advisor, and an important addition to my ever growing collection of evilified 19th century stereotypes."

And indeed, Bush adminstration officials confirm that the collection has come along quite nicely. "We've got oilmen coming out the wazoo," said one White House insider, on condition of anonimity. "We've got a self-made man, even if he is a Negro; and we've got ten, maybe fifteen overweight industrialists. Snow makes for a good railway barron, and Friedman— What were we thinking, not having a wiley Jewish banker in the first place?"

It's been confirmed that CSX Railroad comes along with Snow in the bargain, meaning that only Reading Railroad remains outside of Bush control. "It doesn't matter though," said Bush privately, "[Secretary of Energy] Spence [Abraham] has got the utilities in a lock, and [Stephen] Friedman will bring Park Place with him. Those Reading [expletive] can kiss my [expletive expletive] with a [expletive] up theres."

On Saturday there will be a parade, the President has announced, with all of them wearing top hats and driving slowly down Pennsylvania Avenue in pewter sportsters, glaring at the unwashed masses through their respective monocles.

When John Snow was asked for comment on his new position within the President's Cabinet of Wonders and Mystery, he merely twirled his nefarious mustache and then proceeded to chuckle while holding his ample belly. Friedman, it is reported, plans a massive campaign of well-poisoning and baby-stealing as an economic stimulus package while Collin Powell shakes his head in disbelief.

In related news, Irishmen are animals and those yellow bastards had it coming.

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