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Rant #10
(published Late in the Year, 2000)
Why Do All These Bands Have Numbers in Their Names?
by Jason Michael

Why the fuck do all the bands I hear on MTV and "alternative" radio have numbers in their names? Is this some sort of Masonic initiative, another facet of the Great Plan? Or some kind Qabbalic encoding of the Jewish Conspiracy's plot for world domination? What the hell is going on here?

Has anyone else noticed that all the bands with numbers in their names make crap music? Eve 6. Sevendust. Seven Mary Three. 311. 58 Greene. Blink 182. 5ive. I mean, Christ A-mighty! With the exception of Blink 182 (I kinda like that one song. The fast one where the guy sings about that girl...), the world would be better off without these bands. If Sixpence None The Richer never releases another album, the world would never miss it.

Did these guys just run out of ideas for band names? I mean, Eve 6. Come on! There's not even six people in the band! What the fuck kind of a name is that? Who's Eve? Six what? What a bunch of sad bastards!

How do they come up with these names?

"Hey guys. We need a name. I kinda like the word Blink."
"Yeah, but dude, there's gotta be a million bands out there called Blink"
"Hmm, you're right. Let's just throw some random number at the end..."
"No problem. I'll fire up my Acme Random Number Generetor here... Hmm, does 442961 work?"
"It's kind of cumbersome... Try it again."
"Ok... 182."
"Blink 182. I guess that'll work for now. We'll think of something better later."

Whatever happened to good, simple band names? Were they all taken? What's wrong with names like Foghat, Journey, Genesis, Deep Purple, or The Ruttles? You never heard John Lennon saying "Hey Paul, what do you think of changing the name to 'The Beatles 16?'" Even in the depths of his struggles with alcohol and drugs, Jim Morrison never, EVER sunk so low as to rename the band "The Seven and An Eighth Doors."

Back in the days, a band with a number in it had a reason for putting that number there. The Four Tops were called the Four Tops because there were onetwothreefour of them! Grandmaster Flash wasn't trying to be cute when he named his band. Melle Mel, Cowboy, Kid Creole, Mr. Ness and Rahiem made up a quintet, hence Grandmaster Flash and The Furious Five. So who the fuck was Ben Folds trying to kid when he named his band Ben Folds Five? They're a fucking trio! Jumpin' Jesus on a Pogo stick!

Dude, if I'm ever in a band, I'm going to name it something cool, like Fat Jason and the Bootynauts.

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