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The Quantum Theory of Mitt Romney

"Mitt Romney is either lying or a corporation." Hilarious. A Quantum Theory of Mitt Romney - NYTimes.com
Nevertheless, close and repeated study of his campaign in real-world situations has yielded a standard model that has proved eerily accurate in predicting Mitt Romney’s behavior in debate after debate, speech after speech, awkward look-at-me-I’m-a-regular-guy moment after awkward look-at-me-I’m-a-regular-guy moment, and every other event in his face-time continuum. The basic concepts behind this model are: Complementarity. In much the same way that light is both a particle and a wave, Mitt Romney is both a moderate and a conservative, depending on the situation (Fig. 1). It is not that he is one or the other; it is not that he is one and then the other. He is both at the same time. Probability. Mitt Romney’s political viewpoints can be expressed only in terms of likelihood, not certainty. While some views are obviously far less likely than others, no view can be thought of as absolutely impossible. Thus, for instance, there is at any given moment a nonzero chance that Mitt Romney supports child slavery. Uncertainty. Frustrating as it may be, the rules of quantum campaigning dictate that no human being can ever simultaneously know both what Mitt Romney’s current position is and where that position will be at some future date. This is known as the “principle uncertainty principle.” Entanglement. It doesn’t matter whether it’s a proton, neutron or Mormon: the act of observing cannot be separated from the outcome of the observation. By asking Mitt Romney how he feels about an issue, you unavoidably affect how he feels about it. More precisely, Mitt Romney will feel every possible way about an issue until the moment he is asked about it, at which point the many feelings decohere into the single answer most likely to please the asker. Noncausality. The Romney campaign often violates, and even reverses, the law of cause and effect. For example, ordinarily the cause of getting the most votes leads to the effect of being considered the most electable candidate. But in the case of Mitt Romney, the cause of being considered the most electable candidate actually produces the effect of getting the most votes. Duality. Many conservatives believe the existence of Mitt Romney allows for the possibility of the spontaneous creation of an “anti-Romney” (Fig. 2) that leaps into existence and annihilates Mitt Romney. (However, the science behind this is somewhat suspect, as it is financed by Rick Santorum, for whom science itself is suspect.)

Polish PM Reveals that US Tortured at Black Sites in his Country

And then you find a story like this and you WISH it was a joke. But it's not. This is the world we live, a world where America shipped suspects around the world to be tortured at special "black sites." Suspects who were often fingered by people who held personal grudges against them or by people why wanted the bounty. Suspects who by and large had nothing to do with terrorism. Make no mistake: this is criminal. If there was any justice in America the people who arranged all this (Bush, Cheney, John Yoo, Ashcroft, Rice, etc) would be spending the rest of their lives in prison. Polish PM Reveals that US Tortured at Black Sites in his Country | Informed Comment
Poland’s Prime Minister Donald Tusk is now more or less admitting what has long been suspected: The Bush administration established a secret CIA prison in Poland and had Polish security officials help torture al-Qaeda suspects there. These steps were unconstitutional in Poland on two grounds: first, high Polish officials surrendered sovereignty over Polish territory to the US Central Intelligence Agency. Second, torture is forbidden in Poland. In addition, it contravenes European Union conventions and treaties. Poland had only escaped the grip of the Soviet Union in 1989, and so its democracy was a fledgling one. For the Bush administration to seduce its high officials into committing torture risked permanently marring its politics and undermining that democracy. Polish human rights workers have been deeply critical of Soviet-era torture, and to be put in the position of having to acknowledge this practice in their own country weakens their moral standing and besmirches the name of those tortured in the Stalinist era. Waterboarding and extreme stress techniques are also illegal in US law and practice. . . .

Entirety of Game of Thrones Season 2 Leaked

This April Fool's joke also tickles me. Entirety of Game of Thrones Season 2 Leaked | Tor.com
In a shocking display of contempt for HBO, it appears that every detail about the highly-anticipated season 2 HBO drama Game of Thrones has been leaked, mere hours before the premiere of the show. The massive leak originates from an obscure book carrying the dubious title A Clash of Kings, copies of which have already been distributed in both physical and electronic form, possibly worldwide. HBO reps have confirmed that the contents of A Clash of Kings reveal the entirety of the upcoming season of Game of Thrones but did not offer any further information in regards to how the leaker obtained the information. Unfortunately for HBO, the leaker himself is all too proud to take the credit.

Gallery: the stupidest D&D monsters ever

This is another great way to do April Fool's Day: you go through your own catalogue of past mistakes and highlight them with a modern sensibility. I love that the folks behind D&D can laugh at themselves like this. That said, some of these are kind of awesome? Dungeons & Dragons Roleplaying Game Official Home Page - Article (Stupid Monsters Part 3)