Poor Mojo's Newswire

The winner of the state's first half-million-dollar lottery was seriously beaten on a downtown street Tuesday afternoon by a man wielding a tire iron or metal pipe, according to Anchorage police. A California man was arrested later Tuesday evening on a felony assault charge in connection with the attack, which occurred near the 5th Avenue Mall at about 3:30 p.m. and sent Alec Ahsoak, 53, to a local hospital with serious head injuries. Just before Ahsoak was assaulted, the attacker, accompanied by two women, approached him to ask if he was the person who won the $500,000 jackpot, according to police. Whether the attack was motivated by Ahsoak's winning the lottery, which was held to benefit an advocacy group for sexual-abuse victims, or by the widely distributed reports that Ahsoak is a three-time convicted sex-offender, was unclear.

Ricardo Montalban, the suave leading man who was one of the first Mexican-born actors to make it big in Hollywood and who was best known for his role as Mr. Roarke on TV's "Fantasy Island," has died. He was 88... Within the entertainment industry, Montalban was widely respected for his efforts to create opportunities for Latinos, although he and others believed that his activism hurt his career. In 1970, he founded the nonprofit Nosotros Foundation to improve the image and increase employment of Latinos in Hollywood.... In the 1970s and '80s, Montalban was also familiar to TV viewers as a commercial spokesman for Chrysler. He was later widely spoofed for his silky allusion to the “soft Corinthian leather” of the Chrysler Cordoba, although no such leather actually existed. While making "Fantasy Island," Montalban also gave one of his best movie performances -- as Khan Noonien Singh in the “Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan” (1982), a follow-up to a beloved 1967 “Star Trek” television episode that also featured Montalban.

The lengths that teenagers will go to pretend that they're not fucking with you while still fucking with you very hard will never not be funny to me (as long as I don't actually have to be around these goons). "What if he drops his wallet and I'm just standing behind him stretching" is genius. "What if we're on the dance floor and he gets really sick all of a sudden with a potentially fatal disease that forces you to get on both knees, and like there's no time to rush him to the hospital, and it just so happens that the medicine he needs to save him is on my cock, excuse me, sir, male genitalia, and he is getting the medicine but he happens to be getting it in time with the music? BUT THAT'S NOT EVEN DANCING, THOUGH, THAT'S JUST MEDICAL ATTENTION."

And the non-sequiturial "have fun at dinner" as they walk out just kills me. "Have fun at dinner" is the "fuck you" of 2009. Write it down. These guys need to cut their hair and get a job. Hosting their own show on television.