Poor Mojo's Newswire

So, I did some careful research on that subject. I realized that, yeah, for an old-fashioned audience like you, a mid-21st century computer is pretty amazing. So here it is. (Speaker pulls cloth napkin from podium).

This is my General Electric Pocket Mediator. This one’s about five years old, it’s a student’s model. Personal mediators are a stable technology in my time, we don’t have to fuss with them much. Unfortunately it doesn’t have full functionality here in 2008, because we don’t have the cloud yet. As soon as I reached here, my Mediator reached out for the cloud to reload its apps and OS... and it tapped into something called “Window-Vista.” Then it just plain gave up. It’s gone completely limp now. There’s nothing left here but this frozen screen-saver pattern.

Marauder
Melee damage dude with a Swiss Army mutant arm that can turn into all sorts of goofy stuff. Want to do single-target damage? Sword arm. Want to do area-of-effect attacks? Mace arm. Want directions to the nearest gas station? Hand arm, with fingers.

Chosen
A tank with the most badass armor in the game, several knockdown abilities, and a ton of useful auras that can turn the tide in a battle if used wisely. Also has an aura that drains all of his life instantly, which is very difficult to use wisely.

Zealot
A shirtless tattooed dude that carries a skull around in his left hand at all times. Stores the negative attention that he feeds off of while skulking around the mall and converts it into power that can heal and buff his allies.

Magus
A ranged spellcaster that hovers about on an intricate collectible plate and summons pets that cannot move, lest they break said plate. He appears to be very weak in the early game, but I've heard that he makes up for it by remaining just as weak later on, saving you from being startled by any sudden changes.

Squig Herder
Though he wields a bow and spear, the Squig Herder is a pet class whose real weapon is, you guessed it, feminine charm.

Black Orc
A lumbering, violent doofus with skills such as "Right In Da Jibblies", "We'z Bigger", "Not In Da Face" and "WAAAAAAAGH!". In other words, the thinking man's Vinnie Jones.

Shaman
Every consecutive offensive skill that the Shaman casts makes his next heal more powerful, and vice versa. This playstyle is often described as a seesaw act, due to the seesaw's reputation as the most powerful piece of spellcasting playground equipment.

ORDER

Ironbreaker
A stout dwarven tank utilizing a unique "Grudge" system, which makes him increasingly angry and powerful the more he watches U.S. remakes of Japanese horror films.

Rune Priest
A priest that drinks beer and tries to heal his friends by throwing rocks at them. Or so he claims.

Engineer
The king of gadgets, the Engineer has all sorts of tools at his disposal that can trip up the enemy. The latest addition: a "Gaming iPhone" that causes all opponents to laugh, immobilizing them for twenty seconds.

Witch Hunter
With a pistol in one hand and a sword in the other, every time the Witch Hunter steps into battle he's playing the world's deadliest version of "pat your head and rub your tummy".

Warrior Priest
Wielding a sledgehammer, this melee class heals his own party by wading in to the fray and attacking others. Perfect for fans of political talk radio.

Bright Wizard
Casts fire-based offensive spells that are so powerful he actually hurts (and often kills) himself. Not to be confused with the Light Wizard, who casts much less effective spells at the cost of an eating disorder.

I hear there are more careers in both Order and Destruction for elves, but my conscience won't allow me to click on them.