LEWIS: John, you wanker! Drop the elf crap and let’s go down the pub, Dyson is buying the rounds tonight.
TOLKIEN: One second. Just want to finish these notes on Dwarvish. You know, they use runes, and -
LEWIS: Oh, god, another language? How many does that make now? The elves have two, the humans have two -
TOLKIEN: Well, actually that’s just the good humans. If you count the evil humans it’s more like seven.
LEWIS: And you wrote them all up with dictionaries and everything, didn’t you.
TOLKIEN: …I was bored.
LEWIS: So, are the Dwarves going to have two languages? Oh, and what about the furry little fellows -
TOLKIEN: The Hobbits?
LEWIS: I keep telling you, people are going to think you mean “rabbits.”
TOLKIEN: Oh, piss off.
LEWIS: “Dear Mr. Tolkien, I bought your so-called “novel” because I was anticipating an entertaining story about rabbits, much like that Watership Down thing. Instead, I got midgets with furry feet. What the hell. Signed, J.M. Puddlepoof, Esq.”
TOLKIEN: But you said you liked the Hobbits.
LEWIS: No, I said that I liked that they spoke English rather than Hobbitese or Hobbitaya or something like that. It was not a wholesale endorsement of your disturbing midget fetish.
TOLKIEN: Oh, I do not have to take this tripe from Mister “Hey, What If God Was A Lion?”
LEWIS: Come on, that’s solid stuff!
TOLKIEN: And “Mr. Tumnus.” Why did you think naming a character after foot fungus was a good idea?
LEWIS: He’s not!
TOLKIEN: Sounds like it.
LEWIS: At least I’m not conceited enough to put bloody epic poetry in my books.
TOLKIEN: At least I’m not fool enough to make the heroes of my story a bunch of annoying brats.
LEWIS: At least I came up with a better symbol for evil than a damn ring. What did your wife think of that?
TOLKIEN: I can’t believe I bloody converted you.
LEWIS: Well, I didn’t become a pope-hugger like yourself, so I think technically I’m still a heathen or something, aren’t I?
TOLKIEN: Technically, yes.
LEWIS: All right then. Are you done crafting fantastic new verbs ending in the letter “a” so we can go get sloshed?
TOLKIEN: The Dwarves have a much more guttural language, actually. You’re thinking of the Elvish tongues, like Quenya and -
LEWIS: No, I’m thinking of a pint of bitter with my damn name on it is what I’m thinking.