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June 16, 2008

Warren Ellis has a modest proposal for dogs

Warren Ellis - The Final Solution

Did you know that only two species can be removed from the biosphere with no knock-on effects whatsoever? Wasps and dogs. Seriously. I have no reason to lie about this.* Delete either of those two from life on earth, and there’s no effect on the foodchain, planetary ecology, nothing. They are surplus to requirements. The wasp exists to just bug people, and the dog is the planet’s way of reminding us that pure, genetic Evil exists in the universe.

Which makes me wonder why no-one thought of this before:

A street-sweeping truck has sucked a dog up through its bristles on a New York street, leaving its horrified owner holding nothing but the lead.

How did this act of stark, shining genius have to happen by accident? This is the ultimate Eureka moment for the human race. Send sweeper trucks through the streets every six hours to denude our roads of dogs. No more of their plotting on street corners, their shitting under human feet, their watching, their constant awful watching for signs of weakness. Oh, yes, a human’s best friend. Until you show a sign of weakness. And then they eat you. Cats eat dead bodies because they get hungry, and, let’s face it, they made it clear they couldn’t give a shit about you from the start. Dogs lure you with that masquerade of unconditional affection. But they’ve been thinking about eating you the whole time.

My friend Zo lost her dog Moo some weeks ago. What do you think happened to that little dog, now no-one’s keeping their eye on it? That’s right. That dog is now living on the fucking moon, collaborating with Nazis. Prove me wrong.

June 15, 2008

I'm no Nazi, says mom of 7-year-old with swastika

costumes-hitler.jpgWhaddya think of this one, dave-o? Oh, those crazy Mounties, snatchin' up Nazi babies. The Star | I'm no Nazi, says mom of 7-year-old with swastika | Manitoba mother now fighting to get kids back after seizure by province
WINNIPEG–She freely admits that her 7-year-old daughter was sent to school sporting a swastika – the Nazi emblem adopted as a symbol of racially motivated hate groups.... Now she's fighting to get her children back from Manitoba Child and Family Services, and finding herself at the centre of a case that has raised questions about whether children are affected by parental views that may be extreme.... "I would never consider myself a neo-Nazi," she said. "I consider myself a proud Scottish chick."

Hoax: Cops tell students their friends are dead

Students told friends dead in police hoax | NEWS.com.au

POLICE and teachers who told a group of Californian high school students that two dozen of their classmates had been killed in road smashes had to admit it was just a hoax when the teenagers became hysterical with grief.

The fake announcement was part of a El Camino High Schol's road safety campaign meant to scare the students off drink-driving.

To make it seem real, highway patrol officers visited the school on a Monday morning to deliver the grim news explaining why 26 students were missing from class. The Associated Press reports some students wept, some felt physically ill and others were completely overcome.

Sensing the hoax had gone too far, some teachers decided to break character and tell the grief-stricken students it was not true.

Word quickly spread throughout the school and shock and pain was replaced by fury and disbelief.

June 14, 2008

Prescription drugs kill far, far more than illegal drugs

Legal Drugs Kill Far More Than Illegal, Florida Says - NYTimes.com

An analysis of autopsies in 2007 released this week by the Florida Medical Examiners Commission found that the rate of deaths caused by prescription drugs was three times the rate of deaths caused by all illicit drugs combined.

Law enforcement officials said that the shift toward prescription-drug abuse, which began here about eight years ago, showed no sign of letting up and that the state must do more to control it.

“You have health care providers involved, you have doctor shoppers, and then there are crimes like robbing drug shipments,” said Jeff Beasley, a drug intelligence inspector for the Florida Department of Law Enforcement, which co-sponsored the study. “There is a multitude of ways to get these drugs, and that’s what makes things complicated.”