Poor Mojo's Newswire

For those of you who may not be familiar with it, here's what you might call the "high points," if you were feeling charitable: There's this girl named Bella who talks about how smart she is4 despite appearing to be about as dumb as a sack of doorknobs, and she's in love with this vampire named Edward, who is himself so dumb that he's spent the last century doing nothing but going to high schools. He's also a total psycho stalker who does things like secretly watching her sleep, following her around when she's out with other people, and telling her who she can and cannot associate with. So, you know, a total catch. There's also this kid named Jacob who is literally a werewolf with a dirtbike, yet somehow manages to be way less awesome than that sounds. There's a love triangle that plays out in stories that claim to be based on Pride and Prejudice and Romeo & Juliet in the same way that, say, the Christmas episode of Xena: Warrior Princess is based on Charles Dickens and the New Testament. At the start of the movie, Edward and Bella are getting married. Actually, wait, that's a lie. At the start of the movie, the very first thing that we see is Taylor Lautner walking out of his house and taking his shirt off. Seriously. This is the first shot of the entire film. Say what you want about how the rest of this thing is aggressively terrible on just about every level, but it does its level best to live up to its own stereotype. Once he has turned into a wolf and run up to Canada for a while, it's time for Edward and Bella's wedding, as organized by what appears to be an extremely sexy Vulcan named Alice5. All of this is pretty much explicitly stated to be building up to Edward and Bella finally having sex, which they have of course saved until after their wedding because, you know, you always want your necrophilia to be fully sanctioned in the eyes of the Lord. . . .

It seems that the writers have been sneaking the word “Betelgeuse” into the script of a single episode each season. Check out what happened when the word was uttered a third time during the show’s Halloween episode, “Horror Fiction in Seven Spooky Steps.” (Hint: Look behind Annie.)

A cast member on MTV's "The Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Ruins" claims male members acted like animals during production, in one case raping her with a toothbrush ... this according to a new lawsuit obtained by TMZ. Tonya Cooley filed the suit against MTV, Bunim/Murray Productions, Kenneth Santucci, Evan Starkman and others ... claiming the two guys "took another male participant's toothbrush and rubbed the toothbrush around plaintiff's genitals, including rubbing her labia and inserting the toothbrush into plaintiff's vagina." Cooley says it all happened while she was passed out cold ... and cameras were rolling Cooley says producers not only knew about the rape, they even replaced the toothbrush, but never told her what happened. The suit also claims female cast members were stripped of their bathing suits and that male cast members were encouraged by producers to "inappropriately touch female cast members' bodies, including in intimate areas." Cooley alleges she and other cast members reported incidents of sexual abuse, but show honchos turned a blind eye. Cooley claims she was later booted from the show after slapping a cast member. She says nothing happened to the men who allegedly raped her. Cooley is suing for unspecified damages. Calls to MTV have not been returned. . . .