Poor Mojo's Newswire: Greatest Hits Archives

This Fox News report from Ohio must be seen to be believed

Black bear roaming Northeast Ohio neighborhood This is shockingly real.

Posted in Greatest Hits - The Poor Mojo Theater. Posted by Mojo at 01:39 AM | Permalink

Why Doesn't Anyone Love Me?

Poor Mojo's Rant -- Why Doesn't Anyone Love Me? (Taking a moment to add a couple of our most popular Rants to the Greatest Hits rolls.)

Why Doesn't Anyone Love Me? by Jason Michael First of all, before we get any deeper into this painful subject, I'd just like to make one thing perfectly clear: this is not a cry for help. Rather, it is a rational, clear-headed observation of my current relationship situation. What the hell is wrong with me? Why doesn't anyone love me? I can't figure it out. I am, by my own account, a complete gentleman, a fine lover, and an ideal mate. Why are these plain truths lost on the female population? Let's examine the facts in the case. . . .

(UPDATE: Since this Rant was first published in 2000, Mr. Michael has found the love of his life and married her. Mazel tov!)

Posted in Greatest Hits. Posted by dave-o at 10:27 AM | Permalink

The Invention of the English

Poor Mojo's Rant -- The Invention of the English (Taking a moment to add a couple of our most popular Rants to the Greatest Hits rolls.)

The Invention of the English by David Erik Nelson Oliver Cromwell never existed, William Shakespeare was a Maine ferrier who lived from 1857 to 1892 and never left the county in which he was born. Churchill was a concatenation of manipulated photos of WC Fields-- news reels were montages of WC Fields out-takes, a French-Canadian voice actor & a Burbank janitor in chin-putty. Benjamin Disraeli was an alcoholic Hollywood soaps actor named James Levinson. Margaret Thatcher? A puppet constructed of terry cloth, angora and a cantaloupe. There were no 13 original colonies, darjeerling tea was first genetically engineered from spinach and cloves in 1944 and the reason that the Sun never sets on the British Crown is that there is no British Crown for it to set upon. "England" was invented in 1951 by Walt Disney himself, just a tiny element of the baroque, far-flung marketing strategy for Mary Poppins. . . .

(Yeah, I'm pimping my own rant; so what?)

Posted in Greatest Hits. Posted by dave-o at 10:19 AM | Permalink

A Recipe for Sadness: Why the John Stewart/ Chris Matthews Fight Matters for the Obama/Clinton Nomination Fight, and Why It Might Matter for Your Soul

Poor Mojo's Rant

This week in the Almanack, our own Fritz Swanson steps up to the rant plate, dusts off his trousers, loosens his grip on the bat and knocks it so fucking far out of the ballpark that the ball explodes and the lights dim and the soundtrack from The Natural starts playing in a tinny whisper from my computer.

This may be the best thing we've ever published.

I watch John Stewart and I watch Chris Matthews, and I have to confess up front that I love them both. I love John Stewart like I would love a really smart older brother. He makes sense of the world in a way that is personally powerful for me. He speaks directly about ideas that I am only just forming as he says them, and so he always feels like my sharper, clearer other self. But I love Chris Matthews the way I love an aging uncle. He is out of step with the ebb and flow of the precise moment we live in, but he would have been me, and I would have been him, if we had shared each other's lives.

John Stewart is my brand of leftism at this exact instant. Chris Matthews is the leftism I would have had if I had lived through Vietnam and Watergate. He's a surly working class lefty, with a mixed up family that pulled in equal measure toward Kennedy and Reagan over the course of his life. He worked on the Hill for Tip O'Neil, but he was a cop too; he went out with the Peace Corps, but he had buddies "in country" fightin the 'Nam.

So, when I see these guys fighting, it hurts me inside. Funny, smart older brother tears wise but disconnected uncle a new asshole at family event. This is a recipe for sadness.

They are both right, and they are both wrong.

And incidentally, they perfectly describe the current Democratic nomination fight.

Posted in Greatest Hits. Posted by Mojo at 02:51 PM | Permalink