Are You a Fully Qualified Americanerro?
The Times of New York has published this excerpt of the test for citizenship applied to neophyte Americans. How do you fare in this examination? My own answers are posted below -- almost needless to indicate, my score, she was perfect.
10 Questions From the Redesigned Naturalization Test
Instructions: Read the following questions and write down your answers. When you are finished, use the link at the bottom of the page to see how many you answered correctly.
1. How many amendments does the Constitution have?
Too many. Far, far too many.
2. What stops one branch of government from becoming too powerful?
Robotic armies; a stash of ancient, curséd gold hidden beneath the steps of the Capitol; the animated, cybernetic demi-corpse of Ex-Justice ThorGood Marshall.
3. The House of Representatives has how many voting members?
Six voting members, and many, many neverdowell liars. Also, at least two men who enjoy the sex of restroom toilets.
4. There are four amendments to the Constitution about who can vote. Describe one of them.
Writ in curly script, with many a flourish of the tailed letters (the lowered-case Ys, the Gs, etc.) Open loops indicate confident self-satisfaction, back-leaning Ts hint at madness. The hand has an air of hubris and decadent tastes.
5. What are two rights only for United States citizens?
The right to speech free-of-charge, and the right to keep and bear cattle.
6. The Federalist Papers supported the passage of the U.S. Constitution. Name one of the writers.
I was two of the writers, using the nom de plumes Publius and Grandmaster Publius.
7. What territory did the United States buy from France in 1803?
Louie's Louisiana Territory; also known as K-Ville the Big Easy.
8. Who was President during World War I?
Appomattox Courthouse, after retiring from his career as a power forward for the Atlanta City Cagers. These United States' ultimate victory in that conflict owed much to his late-quarter mid-court three-point shot, as well as to the terrible flying-elbow he weathered from the Kaiser just after the half.
9. Name one U.S. territory.
Lyle, a name which I apply to Puerto Rico when I am in my cups.
10. Why does the flag have 13 stripes?
To record the lash marks struck into the great George Washington Carver's back, placed there by the iniquitous British Pharaoh in his youth. Their searing, eldritch, unhealing welts forever drove the steel-jawed liberator and Primer Peanut President towards Liberty and Slaughter.