Ask the Giant Squid: Direction for the Breaking Heart
I can't help it, I'm in love, but its causing more pain than I need, no one else seems interested (maybe I don't notice them) I feel like I've wasted the last 6 months of my life, I need a little direction, all I'm asking for is where to look. Can you help?
Confused in Culver City
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I come to you empty of tentacle and much disheartened. At first, my answer for CiCC seemed as clear as the umuddied stream. But, as I did begin to dictate my reply to my faithful and guileless typist Jarwaun, my itinerant lab assistant Rob did turn from his Desktop Defender research in order to offer full critique:
"You're telling her to go to AAA? What the fuck, Lord A.?"
"BUT THEY ARE THE DIRECTORS OF THE LOST, ROB; MUCH ADMIRED THROUGHOUT THE HIGHWAYS AND BYWAYS AMERICAINE."
"He right," Jarwuan opined. "One time me and T. and Pops went to see our Aunt in Macon, Georgia, and so we all went with our cousin to AAA, and they hooked us up with all mad crazy maps and Trip-Trick books and everything. If Lewis N. Clark had got all that, he wouldn't have been all eatin' his wife and brother and all them Indians."
"Oh, for the love of fuck; this shit is always the blind leading the . . . I don't even fucking know. Elephants and blind guys, and the trunk is a snake and shit." Rob shrugged his dejection, shook his shaggy head, and sighed, "I swear to fuck, if a tentacle monster and a black kid wrote in asking for advice about their advice column, you two would even fuck that up."
"SO YOU WOULD ADVISE AGAINST THE USE OF THE GUIDANCE OF THE AUTOMOTIVE ASSOCIATION OF AMERICA?"
Rob stood. "That's it; I'm going to fucking lunch."
"IT IS BUT ONLY TEN-AND-FIFTEEN."
"That's why it's fucking lunch," Rob rejoined, and left.
So, as seems oft the case in these total eclipses of the heart, I fear that I am as much at a loss as CiCC as to he or she might turn. Join me below, Dear Readers, so that we might together forge the best conceivable suggestion for our dear, despised CiCC.
I Remain Indebted to You,
Your Giant Squid