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Ask the Giant Squid: Direction for the Breaking Heart

Dear Giant Squid,

I can't help it, I'm in love, but its causing more pain than I need, no one else seems interested (maybe I don't notice them) I feel like I've wasted the last 6 months of my life, I need a little direction, all I'm asking for is where to look. Can you help?

Confused in Culver City

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Dear Readers,

I come to you empty of tentacle and much disheartened. At first, my answer for CiCC seemed as clear as the umuddied stream. But, as I did begin to dictate my reply to my faithful and guileless typist Jarwaun, my itinerant lab assistant Rob did turn from his Desktop Defender research in order to offer full critique:

"You're telling her to go to AAA? What the fuck, Lord A.?"


"He right," Jarwuan opined. "One time me and T. and Pops went to see our Aunt in Macon, Georgia, and so we all went with our cousin to AAA, and they hooked us up with all mad crazy maps and Trip-Trick books and everything. If Lewis N. Clark had got all that, he wouldn't have been all eatin' his wife and brother and all them Indians."

"Oh, for the love of fuck; this shit is always the blind leading the . . . I don't even fucking know. Elephants and blind guys, and the trunk is a snake and shit." Rob shrugged his dejection, shook his shaggy head, and sighed, "I swear to fuck, if a tentacle monster and a black kid wrote in asking for advice about their advice column, you two would even fuck that up."


Rob stood. "That's it; I'm going to fucking lunch."


"That's why it's fucking lunch," Rob rejoined, and left.

So, as seems oft the case in these total eclipses of the heart, I fear that I am as much at a loss as CiCC as to he or she might turn. Join me below, Dear Readers, so that we might together forge the best conceivable suggestion for our dear, despised CiCC.

I Remain Indebted to You,
Your Giant Squid


Why look to anyone but yourself for guidance and direction? Create your own path in life, whatever it may be. You can map out the prevalence of dust on America's electric fans, spam the comment sections of Youtube videos, or even start your own death cult. I suggest the cult option, as it is a great opportunity to meet new people and bless their lives with structure and alien-worship. Try getting your love of the last six months to join too, as it would be a great chance for you to bond and become closer, wherever you two are in your current relationship.


It seems to me that the military (domestic and foreign) has offered generations of confused young people "a little direction." Granted, those directions have generally been "Charge that hill! Take that pillbox! Kill those young people!", but, still, that's better than nothing. Besides, the record shows that there's plenty of back-barracks love out there for the open-minded.

Dave-o . . .

I regret nothing more than regret.

The sheer amount time I have spent furious with the situation that I was unwanted by someone with whom I was infatuated...

The pang that freezes the heart when I remember the women who tried to get it into my thick skull and past my blind eyes that she desired me...

The countless times I thrashed about in bed, sleepless, frenzied, bashing my fists into my forehead as I perseverated over firings, public humiliations, malapropisms, being bullied, unintended and intended cruel acts of my own...

No time alive in this world is wasted. Your mind is a hologram of the entire universe! You are, even in the press of smelly humanity, unique and even beautiful. It is so easy to say, "Make peace with yourself," and so hard hear it, and seemingly impossible to take action to achieve it. But you can. You are worth it. You will find a way.

But probably not on this Web site.


You just need to make yourself happy and not worry about other people. Do that, and then when are full of confidence and enjoyment from whatever you've been doing you'll greatly heighten your chances of meeting someone.

Where do you look for love? Where's the last place you had it.

That's right! Grade school!

Just stop by around 2:15. They won't mind.